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The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.



The bulk of our SchruteBuck time today is spent comparing the punishments that will likely be served up to Michael Vick and Tim Donaghy. Neither of them deserves even a single SchruteBuck or a Stanley Nickel, but unfortunately, I do not have the authority to give out jail time.

Other things we touch on: a Japanese little leaguer with measles (okay, we don't literally touch him, which would be a bad idea on a couple of levels), ostrich gonads, Jason Giambi's smooth talking of the commissioner, some very good news for the men of Tennessee, a bit more on Madden '08, and the bold statement made by the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team. And, as always ... a week's worth of very pretty pictures.

-10,000, the United States Legal System

As the Tim Donaghy and Michael Vick cases move ahead, the best guess has Michael Vick serving about a year of jail time after pleading guilty, while Tim Donaghy faces a maximum of 25 for what he's done (and that's not counting potential state charges).

That seems a little off to me.

Who are the victims in the Donaghy scandal? Casinos? Bookies? Yeah, it's heartbreaking when people whose goal in life is to take my money end up losing money. I'm just sick over it. Someone start an immediate relief fund for the Vegas sports books, and please ... give all you can.

I don't believe that fans are huge victims here, because I don't believe that the 2007 NBA season would've played out any differently without Donaghy. Sure, there's a breach of the public trust, we expect a fair game, we expect to see a real, honest competition every time we pay for a ticket ... but isn't that trust also breached every time a guy like Jerome James takes the floor?

That guy has no interest in honestly competing ... he just wants to stand there, watch rebounds go over his head as he bounces up on his tippy-toes, and collect his paycheck.

Honest competition? It's a nice theory, but during the regular season ... a lot of guys aren't trying that hard. It's not an honest 100% effort vs. 100% effort struggle in which the better team will always win.

And that doesn't even get into tanking, which is just about the exact same thing that Tim Donaghy does, only it's done by a man in a suit on the sidelines.

If I can deal with those, I can deal with Donaghy.

And as a fan, I'll have to put up with years and years of Tim Donaghy/Bad Ref jokes, but I'm not getting too worked up over that, either. The NBA's always going to have their detractors ... if I can put up with the basketball savants when they play the "they never call traveling!" card, I can put up with Donaghy jokes.

I really don't see who's gotten hurt here that deserves any real sympathy. I'm not defending Donaghy in the least ... he, in every way, appears to be a total lowlife, and I don't care if he does 10 years, 25 years, or if the judge gives him the long ride.

It's just that when you compare the potential punishments for Vick and Donaghy, it seems out of whack. Twenty-five years for helping dishonest gamblers take money from casinos ... vs. about a year for Vick for what he did.

Not to go all Betty White on you, but we're talking about living creatures here. One man (allegedly) tortured and killed animals with his own two hands. That, to me, extends into a whole different plane of sickness.

Living beings suffered at his hands. Donaghy moved some money around. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it, because there are many things I don't understand about our nation's judicial system, but I'd like to see some of Donaghy's impending prison time handed off to Vick.

And yeah, that's right, I'm ending this with a football pun.

-40,000, Michael Vick

I feel like I was promised a trial. Your lawyer promised to fight a tough legal battle, you said you wanted to clear your good name ... and I took your word for it, you son of a promiscuous falcon. I was prepared to clear to my entire schedule to watch you get grilled on a witness stand.

I feel like the guy got our hopes up for a huge circus of a trial, a full-on mockery of himself and some poor judge's courtroom, as well as an OJ-esque day where you'd stop everything you're doing to watch the verdict ... and now it looks like you're just going to quit and plead guilty.

Sissy. Let's all get together and file a class action lawsuit against Vick for promising the public that he'd fight these charges, and then changing his mind. We deserve that much. He misled us.

+13,000, This Guy's Balls --->

Ron Artest says they're delicious. Be proud, Mr. Ostrich ... I think it's great. I would hope that if, one day, I was to become prey for some other vicious animal, and they killed me, that some star athlete would, in some way, get some enjoyment from my testicles. They might make nice bowling balls, I don't know.

I really don't know why this isn't a bigger story. John Amaechi tells the world that he likes testicles, and it's a huge story. Ron Artest does the same ... not a blip on the radar. It's not fair.

+82,000, Jason Giambi

I don't know how you managed to pull it off, but somehow, Bud Selig is enamored with your little "I'm sorry" act. I don't find it as charming.

"Jason was frank and candid with Senator Mitchell," said Commissioner Selig. "That and his impressive charitable endeavors convinced me it was unnecessary to take further action."

In a letter to Giambi, the Commissioner wrote: "In the days since your interview, your representatives have discussed with my office your commitment to off-field charitable activities. For example, your agent has informed my office that you intend to donate $50,000 to the Partnership of a Drug Free America. You have also committed to make an additional donation of $50,000 in cash or equipment to the Harlem RBI.

Blah blah blah ... it goes on about all the wonderful things Giambi's going to do. It's fantastic. Really heartwarming stuff. It adds up to $100,000 in donations ... which is about 3 times as much as Giambi has actually earned through his performance this year, despite being about 1/230th of what he's making. What a philanthropist.

So does this mean that if Barry Bonds says, "I'm sorry I did that stuff," and writes a check to the March of Dimes for $10 million, that he's off the hook? I didn't know this kind of thing was negotiable. Pete Rose should have a few autograph sessions for the Boys & Girls Club of America and see if he can get himself back in baseball's good graces.

+198,000, The Guys Who Did the Mark Teixeira Song

The odds against me enjoying an acoustic guitar Mark Teixeira tribute song that references Scarlett O'Hara while being performed by two southern cheeseball Braves fans on a dirty couch ... well, they were probably pretty high. But these gentlemen pulled it off.



I don't know what else to say. Well done. Now if someone can just get a video up on YouTube of Kige Ramsey dancing to it, we'd be all set.

+32,000, U.S. Women's Soccer Team

Not necessarily because they beat New Zealand 6-1 ... I just love the fact that they have the ovaries to show up at competitions wearing gold jerseys now.

Gold is not one of our national colors ... consulting my "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN" bumper sticker real quick, I can confirm that they are still red, white and blue.

There's only one reason to show up at competitions wearing gold. It's kind of like Tiger Woods playing the opening round at Augusta in a green jacket.

It sends the message, "This is the color with which you should associate our team. This is the color of medal we intend to win. If it happens to come at your expense, we're sorry, but you suck. We think you'd look nice in bronze, as most common whores do."

+19,000, Baron Davis

For serving up a little bit of humility to OJ Mayo in a pick-up basketball game.

Word is pickup basketball at UCLA got heated Monday when Golden State star point guard Baron Davis engaged in some trash-talking with heralded Southern Cal freshman point guard O.J. Mayo. Davis got upset with Mayo after he didn't respect one of Davis' calls. Word is Davis, a native of Los Angeles, told Mayo that he doesn't know who he is other than the fact that he wasn't from Los Angeles and he also needed to respect a veteran's call.

You've got to understand your place in the food chain, OJ. Baron Davis has been where you are ... Baron Davis has evolved from where you are.

All you've proven at this point, young fellow, is that you can score against West Virginia high school competition and that you can be an arrogant douche and Tim Floyd will put up with it. Congratulations.

If I had to guess right now, I'd say OJ Mayo's pro career is going to be a hybrid of the careers of Steve Francis and Sebastian Telfair, combining the worst of each. Anything Baron Davis can tell you, you should probably do your best to absorb.

+9, Drew Gooden

I struggled with giving SchruteBucks to or deducting SchruteBucks from Drew Gooden for ridding himself of the patch of useless fur on the back of his head.

On one hand, when I look at him, I no longer wonder to myself, "What the hell is wrong with that guy's head?" On the other hand, it was the one thing about Drew Gooden that made him unique or noticable for reasons other than his inability to play basketball well.

I decided to err on the side of the positive. I'm a glass-is-half-full kind of guy, what can I say? And it's probably the only time Drew Gooden's ever going to earn positive SchruteBucks, so why not?

+2,500, Madden '08

I'm still playing it and I'm still enjoying it ... it's a fun game that plays extremely well, compared to all other incarnations of Madden, and I'd like to go a little higher than +2,500 ... but I'm still fumbling at least once a game with LaDainian Tomlinson, and that is inexcusable.

It's a small thing in an otherwise outstanding game, but it has such a huge impact on playing the game.

I don't know what to compare it to ... it would be like if, for some reason, in all future copies of The Godfather DVDs, someone decided to splice 10 seconds of Ben Affleck reading from the Vagina Monologues every 30 minutes in the movie.




Sorry, No Photos



Eligible Men of the Tennessee Area. It's your lucky day, boys ... Pat Summitt is newly available and ready for action. She announced today that she's divorcing her husband.

As Sports By Brooks notes, Tennessee's basketball court is officially named "The Summitt." So if Pat goes back to her maiden name, that would present an awkward situation.

Her maiden name was Patricia Head, if you're wondering what the new court name might possibly be. My guess is that she'll give up Head, and her and the court's names will stay the same.

Pat cites "irreconcilable differences" in the official divorce documentation thing (which you can see here). Head coaching jobs are very demanding, and are tough on families ... that could be the problem.

Or maybe Ross Summitt no longer finds pantsuits attractive, though I'd find that very difficult to believe, because pantsuits, to me, ooze sex.

I don't know what it is. Maybe, following in the footsteps of other proud Tennessee sports figures, she's having an affair with Kenny Chesney.

Whatever it is, men of Tennessee ... start putting on the Sex Panther and getting your eyebrows slicked back. There's a new lady available.



Japanese Kid with Measles. I don't know his name, because of privacy guidelines, but one of the players on Japan's little league team at the LLWS has himself some measles. That's not good.

Measles are extremely contagious, according to the AP article, for four days before the rash appearance until four days after it's gone. It's transmitted by airborne pathogens ... all you have to do is breathe near someone. It's much easier for this athlete to spread this disease than it was for, say, Michael Vick to spread herpes. Probably.

And this cat's been walking around Williamsport all week ... I hope that nothing seriously bad comes of this, like 80 kids coming down with measles in the next few days. That would make for some interesting and potentially disgusting LLWS broadcasts. "Time out! Mommy needs to rub some topical cream on Yoshifumi's tummy."

Best of luck, little leaguers.



Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

8:00, FOX. NFL Preseason. Minnesota Vikings @ New York Jets. That's an ugly matchup, even for the preseason. Ick.

Other Stuff ...

8:00, TBS. Movie. Remember the Titans.
8:00, ESPN. LLWS. Lake Oswego vs. Warner Robbins.
8:00, ESPN2. Tennis. Western and Southern Financial Group Masters, Quarterfinals.
8:00, Fox Soccer. USL. Miami FC @ Puerto Rico Islanders.
9:00, History Channel. Human Weapon. Karate.
10:00, ESPN2. Boxing. Friday Night Fights.