FanHouse

Matt Ufford is the editor of With Leather and a co-founder of Kissing Suzy Kolber. The Prelude is his sincere examination of the coming NFL weekend.

I flew home to Washington state for a wedding last weekend. It was a modest affair -- it offered few of the extras you hope for, like single bridesmaids or synchronized killer whales -- made most distinct by its timing: a mid-September Sunday afternoon. Specifically, 2:00 Pacific Daylight Time. Or, as I called it at the time, "Seahawks-Cardinals Kickoff + 0:45"

The newlyweds, an American expatriate art teacher and a bespectacled German, can be forgiven their lack of savvy for the NFL schedule. In fact, for making me miss the game, I owe them my thanks for saving me the emotional trauma of a fumbled exchange that turned a sure win into a loss.

After working through my resentment of my friends' everlasting love, my thoughts turned to the intertwined and often competing relationship between romantic love and NFL fandom.

I'm no stranger to this topic. In the past, I've compared my most painful breakup to Super Bowl XL and explained the scars burned into me from love and football. Like the Bengals' red zone, it's well-trod turf.

But as I sat down to draw parallels between marriage and NFL fandom, I realized that I could make simple comparisons -- an unexplainable love, the need for constant devotion, tough stretches that require forgiveness -- just as easily as I could find obvious differences: your NFL team doesn't return your love, you have to share it with thousands or millions of others, and ultimately it's a distraction from the real world, the world where serious things like marriage exist.

But NFL fandom and marriage are personal experiences that are different for every individual. No one can define the boundaries of love, whether that love is for your childlike adoration of the Miami Dolphins or the high school sweetheart you walked down the aisle. Some people buy the jersey of the team that just won the Super Bowl; others elope after a sinful weekend in Vegas. Some people look at Patriots fans the way others are disgusted by gay marriage. Some marriages aren't meant to last, and sometimes NFL owners pack up the team and move it to another city.

The more passion and work you pour into it, the more lasting and valuable the relationship will be. And whether your particular love is something that distracts you from the real world or tethers you to it, there's no discounting that the joy, the pain, and the marrow-deep ardor.

But what do I know? I'm single.

Week Three

In addition to previewing this week's games through the lens of love, I'll be offering drink suggestions for each slate of games. NOTE: drink suggestions best suited for single, late-twenties employed males. Second NOTE: Any games not mentioned are overlooked strictly to sow ill will.

Early Sunday (Bloody Mary)

Lions (2-0) at Eagles (0-2) -- If you predicted the records of these teams after the first two weeks, congratulations: you are Jonathan Lee Riches crazy. Who needs some love? All of Philadelphia. Where's the brotherly love for Brother McNabb? (For more on McNabb, see #10 below.)

Vikings (1-1) at Chiefs (0-2) -- Who needs some love? Everyone on the field but the Vikings defense. The Chiefs have the early-season market on ineptitude covered, having scored only 13 points in two games, but the Vikings look pretty lost, too. My suggestion: less Tarvaris Jackson, more Adrian Peterson behind Bryant McKinnie and Steve Hutchinson.

Rams (0-2) at Buccaneers (1-1) -- Who needs some love? The Rams offensive line.

Adam Goldberg -- shown here with girlfriend Christina Ricci and celebrating on the field -- practiced with the first team at right tackle this week, which can't bode well for the Rams' fortunes. I mean, he really got abused by Clint in Dazed and Confused -- I don't like his chances against an NFL defensive end.

Colts (2-0) at Texans (2-0) -- Who needs some love? Matt Schaub. With game-breaker Andre Johnson sidelined with a sprained knee, someone needs to step up to save Houston's passing game if they want to keep up with the JuggerColts. Paging Owen Daniels...

49ers (2-0) at Steelers (2-0) -- Who needs some love? Alex Smith and the Niners offense. While the young QB has found ways to win against shaky teams in the first two weeks, nothing about San Francisco's performance has suggested that their 2-0 record is completely fraudulent. They'll have to step up as a unit if they want to steal a game in Pittsburgh against a very tough and rejuvenated Steeler team.

Late Sunday (Pitcher of Cheap Light Beer)

Giants (0-2) at Redskins (2-0) -- I have mined the depths of my imagination, and I just don't see how the Giants can win this (or any) game -- which is saying a lot, because the Redskins certainly aren't that impressive. Who needs some love? Anyone within crowing distance of a D.C. fan if the 'Skins improve to 3-0.

Bengals (1-1) at Seahawks (1-1) -- Who needs some love? The Cincinnati defense, which inexplicably surrendered 51 points and over 500 yards of offense to the Browns. For the Seahawks, who also lost a winnable game last week, the preferred goat is Shaun Alexander, who is starting to look brittle. If Cincy's D can't turn it around, and if the 'Hawks pass rush can't bail out the overmatched secondary, it could be a good week to bet the over.

Browns (1-1) at Raiders (0-2) -- This game is absolutely fascinating to me, simply because I have no idea what will happen. Do the Browns have a really good offense, or did they just look good last week because Cincy's D is so bad? Will the stout Raiders D shut down the Browns like the Steelers did in Week 1, or will the Browns go wild against the Raiders like the Lions did in Week 1? I can't say which teams will show up. Who needs some love? People with the stones to bet on this game.

Sunday Night (Snifter of Brandy)

Cowboys (2-0) at Bears (1-1) -- A battle between two NFC favorites, made relevant more by the teams' nationwide popularity than by the level of play promised. The Bears will need more than their defense and Devin Hester to win this game. Who needs some love? Two early fantasy busts: Julius Jones and Muhsin Muhammad. Jones has done little to justify his shared duties with fantasy stud Marion Barber III, while Muhammad has two catches for 15 yards on the season.

Monday Night (Ginger Ale)

Titans (1-1) at Saints (0-2) -- Who needs some love? The vaunted Saints offensive stars. Last year's superfecta of Brees, Bush, Colston, and McAllister consumed yardage relentlessly. This year they're moving at the speed of FEMA.


1. What's playing where? CBS has a single game, while FOX's doubleheader covers the early and late games. Note: the FOX late games might be the worst selection of games ever.

2. NFL Style Watch:

The Steelers have looked sharp and tough in two convincing victories this season. They also looked like fools in these throwback unis to commemorate their 75th season. Be warned: Pittsburgh will roll out these disasters again in a Week 9 Monday night game against the Ravens, which means that concerned citizens still have six weeks to organize a resistance.

3. NFL Style Watch II: Jake Delhomme isn't starting for the Panthers because he led them to a Super Bowl or because he's the established #1 quarterback. He's starting because no man in the history of the NFL has led a team sporting neg-burns and a sassy bob. (Now Brett Favre, that's a haircut you could set your watch to.)

Time to cut that hair, David Carr. A starting job is a trip to SuperCuts away.

4. Tim Hasselbeck is calling the Cardinals-Ravens game with Thom Brennaman. I knew Hasselbeck wasn't on the Giants any more, but I didn't realize he had hung up the cleats. Good luck, Tim.

5. Reader Tom Dickerson believes I owe Derek Anderson an apology for what I wrote in last week's Prelude. Don't count on it, Tom. D-Rock turned in one solid game, and while he may be able to solve simple things like the Bengals defense, I maintain that he still gets confused by more complex problems, like zone blitzes, last-second defensive shifts, knock-knock jokes, and his own reflection. But if Anderson makes the Pro Bowl or even just leads the Browns to a .500 record, I will gladly tell Derek I'm sorry. Sorry that he plays for Cleveland.

6. Congrats to the raunchy babes at Girls Gone Sports for their inclusion in Esquire's Top 100. Nice work, ladies.

7. Last week, Mike Shanahan's last-second timeout that negated Sebastian Janikowski's would-be game-winning kick ranked as the most predictably devious bit of gamesmanship. I neither like nor dislike the Broncos, but I appreciate their role as some of the best villains in the NFL.

8. My final dig at the Bengals defense: wasn't Marvin Lewis some kind of defensive specialist at one point?

9. Props to the Red Sox and Mets, who have made an effort to grab my attention this last week. A good late-season meltdown is always one of the best parts of the MLB season.

10. Parting shot: Donovan McNabb stated in a Real Sports interview that black quarterbacks have to work harder than white quarterbacks because they face greater scrutiny, which triggered the white columnist backlash, which triggered the "White columnists are racist backlash," which triggered still more counter-backlashes until it became this week's dead horse of a story.

The frustrating thing about racial arguments is that every debater's argument gets skewed by his or her own race. Because of McNabb's position, his perception of how black quarterbacks are treated is skewed by his own experiences -- he's not exactly in a position to make an objective statement on the subject. Meanwhile, I may think that McNabb is way off base, but there's no way that I can present a logical argument why I believe that when my picture clearly shows I'm white.

What's lost in all this bombastic back-and-forth isn't just the truth, but a more important point: that every week, black and white (and Hispanic and Asian) players put on the same uniform to work together to win football games. And it seems that the discussion of race only surfaces when a team starts losing.