Maddon2006: All right. /fumbles with paper

I've brought you all and like 7,000 people to this public park to let you know our organization is getting serious about retooling, and we've made some broad, sweeping changes in the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

RoccosModernLife: Wow, that's great news! Are we going to try to make a bid for Alex Rodriguez or Miguel Cabrera?

MovinThroughKazmir: Tell me we're getting more pitching. I don't want to have to finish behind the Orioles again. My kids won't even talk to me!

JaeRyuKen: next year we have baseball outside, in sun and air?

Maddon2006: No, no, none of that. Because the Rockies kept complaining, we're no longer the "Devil Rays," we're just the Rays. The Tampa Bay Rays. It took over 1,000 suggestions for us to come up with "Rays." Runners-up included Cannons, Stars, Wave, and Dukes.

MovinThroughKazmir: Oh man, the Tampa Bay Cannons would've been a great juxtaposed compliment to my incredibly slow style of pitching!

RoccosModernLife: I don't think we employ enough masculine black women to call our team the Tampa Bay Wave.

MovinThroughKazmir: The Cannons! BOOM, EEPHUS PITCHHHH

Maddon2006: In addition, our team colors of green and black have been replaced by navy blue with a light blue shadow, with royal blue trim, an electric blue collar, and several cornflower blue nautical stars throughout. We will also wear a New York Yankees hat during our away games.

Maddon2006: Our logo of a Devil Ray will be replaced by a newer, bright yellow logo that compliments our blue uniforms and kinda looks like how it looks when Link hits things with his sword in Wind Waker.

Maddon2006: We're tearing down Tropicana Field and building an exact replica of Tropicana Field on top of it, so when you report for the regular season you won't notice any changes, but now Tropicana Field will have a Wi-Fi connection.

RoccosModernLife: i could've just bought a router at the store

Maddon2006: In celebration of today's great event, the city of Tampa Bay has arranged for a fashion show, featuring our great legends Wade Boggs and Fred McGriff, and several other players who are more famous for playing for other teams.

Maddon2006: When that is over you will enjoy a concert by Kevin Costner, who is not famous for playing music, and his band "Modern West," who had no idea Kevin Costner had a band or that they were in it until a few minutes ago.

MovinThroughKazmir: BOOM, MODERN WEST!!!! GO CANNONS

RoccosModernLife: Wow, the bittersweet folk rock of Modern West. I want to shout "Go Wave!" but I can't without following it with "goodbye to Grandma!"

JaeRyuKen: Go Lays!

Maddon2006: Enjoy your moment in the sun, boys, almost 2% of the population of Tampa is here to cheer you on. And I literally mean "enjoy the sun" because tomorrow it's back to the dome.

JaeRyuKen: aw

RoccosModernLife: This is actually a pretty swank get-together. I heard there are celebrities here!

MovinThroughKazmir: There sure are. I just spotted Hulk Hogan and his pissant children, and a few minutes ago I bumped into eponymous Tampa Bay Dukes star Elijah Dukes!

RoccosModernLife: Wow, Elijah Dukes! I'm dead, dawg, if I don't get to meet him!

MovinThroughKazmir: And don't look now, but there's Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin!

Maddon2006: STEVE, YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THE LOGO

STEVE

STEVE LOOK OUT

STOP FALLING ONTO THE LOGO

NOOOOO STEEEEEEEVE