As the regular season approaches in baseball, there are quite a few free agents still at home sitting by the phone, waiting for that call. Kyle Lohse is one of those free agents, and I imagine these are the kinds of things running through his head right now.
You know, it's just not fair. As my friends and former teammates are busy preparing for another season of baseball, I'm sitting at home. Nobody wants me. It hurts, it really does.
Is there something wrong with me? I don't remember seeing my name in the Mitchell Report or anything, I'm not old, and I haven't killed anybody. So why doesn't anybody want Nuke LaLohse on their team? For goodness sake, Bartolo Colon just signed with the Red Sox, and his fastball tops out at 65MPH right now.
But Kyle Lohse isn't good enough for anybody?
That's bullpoop! Yeah, I said it. I don't normally use such offensive language, but darn it, I'm so angry and frustrated right now I just can't hold it in. Don't these teams realize that I've never spent a day on the disabled list in my entire career? A career that has spanned seven seasons and seen me win 63 games. Sure, I've lost 74, but I swear none of them were my fault. If my teammates had just scored 5 or 6 more runs in each of those games, I'm confident that the results would have been different.
My agent, Scott Boras, keeps telling me how awesome I am, and I have to say, I tend to agree with him, but lately I'm starting to lose patience. Scott says I'm worth at least $10 million a year, and eventually somebody is going to give it to me. But when?
What if nobody wants me? What am I going to do then? I don't have any backup plans. I'm a pitcher! It's all I've ever been, and all I've ever planned on doing. I can't get a job out there in the real world, man. I'm just not cut out for it.
I remember when I was 16 I had a job bagging groceries, and the pressure was just too much. You ever stared into the eyes of an old lady after you put her eggs underneath her canned goods and smashed them? I have seen the beast, my friend, and I evacuated into my pants.
I can't go back there. I just can't. Help me.
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Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 1)
1. Kyle, you suck! Please do me a favor and stay out of St. Louis. I understand the Cards could use another starter right now, I've just had it with them picking up trash such as Kip Wells though. It's not that I expect you to be as bad as him, I still get the feeling it won't be easy watching a guy who bounces from 1 team to the next and pitched a mediocre 9-12 4.67 last year though. Please go eat innings somewhere else Kyle.
Posted at 10:22PM on Feb 25th 2008 by Fred Bird Jr.