Entire Iowa Football Team Arrested, Transferred to Guantanamo Bay - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog

After the team's 13th and 14th arrests since April 2007, the entire Iowa football team has been arrested and placed in Guantanamo Bay, according to the Iowa City Police Department.

Citing rising administrative costs and an unwillingness to "wait for the inevitable," Iowa City Police Chief Niles Lemonparty was granted the warrant to apprehend all UI football players early Wednesday morning. The team awaits extradition at the Eastern Iowa Airport.

"Look," Lemonparty said, "we know they're going to get arrested. It's going to happen. Why sit around and wait for them to create innocent victims? This is the most proactive thing we've ever done for the city, and our citizens will appreciate it."

"Those guys are down in Gitmo now, where they can't hurt Americans anymore. That's not a violation of habeus corpus, that's a victory for national security."

Among the arrests that have plagued the Iowa football team recently:

• Public urination;
  
• Credit card fraud and fifth degree theft;
• Three counts of misdemeanor drug possession and tax stamp fraud;
• Throwing a tornado at an orphanage.

Head coach Kirk Ferentz, who was not brought into custody, was asked about the situation. "The entire team? Yeah, that sounds about right," he said. The coach said he plans to field a team of Buddhist monks, and that though they'll likely go 0-12 and set new records for futility, "[p]acifists don't get in bar fights. No question."

This is, of course, satire. If you believed anything presented in this article, you need to reevaluate your sense of reality. Please do not sue us.