FanHouse

In case you missed it, ESPN announced last fall that it would be televising the first two rounds of the Masters Tournament. Great news for fans who couldn't stand consulting the on-screen programming guide to find USA Network. Less enthralling news for everybody else (read: everybody) terrified by one recurring thought: What if Chris Berman is a featured part of the telecast?

It gives me great pleasure to report that the potty-mouthed meatball with anger-management issues won't be at Augusta National.

I'd say that's a victory for democracy and a blow to chubby, narcissistic windbags.

Apparently, Mike Tirico will be the only ESPN face we'll see during the Thursday and Friday rounds, and he'll be relegated to Butler Cabin conducting interviews (in addition to a three-member on-site "SportsCenter" team). The rest of the telecast will be in the capable hands of CBS, the network with a half-century of experience dealing with the "nuanced" television coverage preferred by the green-jacketed blue hairs behind the tournament .

And while this is great news for golf fans who aren't deaf, Berman's absence raises some questions:

Hmmm. ESPN's first Masters, four ESPNers assigned to be there and none of them Berman? ...

That makes for some history-based suspicion. Berman is not only ESPN's highest-paid personality, he's the on-course host of ESPN's U.S. Open coverage, during which times, as if by popular demand, he has gradually added more of his tired and annoying self-promotional shtick.

First of all, Berman's the highest-paid personality at The Network? Holy crap, it's worse than I thought. Second -- and this is completely speculative on my part -- maybe the old-timers calling the shots at Augusta National hate Berman just as much as the rest of us. There is a God.

If Berman is willing to be Tasered for a Masters badge, well, I'm all for televising that.

Hat tip: Dogs Chasing Cars