Fun with NHL Press Releases - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog

Earlier today, Mike Chen of self-titled hockey blog fame found an interesting quote from the NHL:

"Fueled by unprecedented League-wide competition for playoff spots and positions, the NHL is on pace to obliterate its March attendance records."

Whoa. Slap me silly. Words like "unprecedented" and "obliterate" are straight out of the direct response marketing hall of fame. They didn't just break the record, they obliterated it. Like, took a hydrogen bomb, looked at the record, and eliminated any trace of its existence from the planet. Ka-boom! [link]

Seems a bit excessive in terms of the excitement, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so too. I know generic news releases are a bit hokey at times, after all the whole purpose of them is to spin things in a positive light. [SAS] Quite frankly, this is really over the top. [/SAS] That being said, there's no reason to turn this into a negative story. No, that's not what I'm here to do. Instead, let's have a little fun with it. All we have to do is mix around a few words and viola! Instant fun! Here are a few examples straight from my own gray matter.

"Fueled by many teams playing for the 'overtime point', the NHL is on pace to have one of the most tedious regular season stretch runs in recent memory."

"Fueled by immortal chickens perpetually running around with their heads cut off, the NHL is on pace to obliterate the minds of PETA members."

"Fueled by boredom and a strong distaste for your boss, you actually made it through this entire article despite its utter ridiculousness."

Aren't these great? Feel free to make your own in the comments!