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SeacrestDSV: Thanks, Juliana, I always wondered what Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz thought about Darfur. Who knew they'd be "against it!"
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SeacrestDSV: Up next on E! News, Jessica Canseco, former wife of steroid slugger and two-time author Jose Canseco and former twin-sister-in-law of schoolyard legend Ozzie Canseco, comes clean about "Juiced," "Juicy," "Vindicated," and all sorts of terrible books about jerks.
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SeacrestDSV: Jessica, first things first, give me the classiest soundbite you can.
Okaaaay, go!
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Jessicanseco: I put needles in my ex-husband's asshole five times a day and it turned his balls into shrinky dinks! LOL I shouldn't be talking about this! /writes "balls into shrinky dinks" on notepad
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SeacrestDSV: That is so awesome. Tell us more about Jose Canseco's balls. |
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Jessicanseco: They were so small you would not believe how small they were! One was completely gone and the other just kinda hung there LOL I felt BAD for him!
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Jessicanseco: Should I be on national television talking about this? Oh me, I'm so out there!
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SeacrestDSV: we've got some e-mail comments coming in from tired comedians around the country, this one is from Michael Ian Black of Chicago, Illinois. Michael writes, "I can't hear enough about Jose Canseco's balls! I would like to hear about them, all day!"
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SeacrestDSV: at the end he has "read this sarcastically with no expression on your face" in parenthesis
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SeacrestDSV: Loni Love of Los Angeles writes in, "Jose Canseco's balls? I bet we ain't talkin' bout baseball! Mm-hm!"
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Jessicanseco: We sure aren't, Loni (can you believe me?)!
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SeacrestDSV: Mo Rocca of Washington writes... /makes face at monitor
ugh, I'm not reading that
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SeacrestDSV: What's that? We have a caller? We don't take calls on this show. We... all right.
Uraw? from New York, you have a question for Jessica Canseco?
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Caller: HELLO??
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SeacrestDSV: Yes, you're on with Jessica Canseco.
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Caller: IS THIS EE NOOSE |
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SeacrestDSV: Yes, go ahead.
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Caller: YA I GOT A QUESTION FOR THE SHE MAIL MUSGULAR TYPE
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Jessicanseco: Yes, what's your question! |
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Caller: BOY, JOO ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE HANGINGK OUT WITH OSAY CANSEGO, JOO NEED TO DROP THE ZAYRO AND GET WIT THE A-ROE
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Caller: aRAH CAN TREAT JOO TO THE FIE-NESS HOTEL ROOMS IN TORONTO
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Jessicanseco: Aw, how romantic!
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Caller: I SWURR
BY THE MOON AN THE STARS AN THIS GUY
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Jessicanseco: I only have two questions:
1. How much money do you make?
2. How misshapen are your genitals?
Those are the two things I look for most in a relationship.
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Caller: WAY WAY TOO MUCH
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Jessicanseco: Is that your answer for #1 or #2? |
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Caller: LOL |
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SeacrestDSV: /SHOOTS TELEPHONE OPERATOR DEAD
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SeacrestDSV: Okay, enough of that! Jessica, do you have anything you'd like to say before we take another call?
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Jessicanseco: snigger snigger
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SeacrestDSV: I can barely believe you exist. Danny, from Gay Cruise California, do you have any comments about the use of steroids in sports? |
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Caller: some people arent LIKIN IT
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Hey website, thanks a lot for making me watch a video where Jessica Canseco describes her ex-husband's genitalia in great detail. Maybe next you could do a feature about those creeps that use dogs as shark bait and interview the kid who punched me on the bus when I was in 5th grade.
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Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 1)
1. "I SWURR
BY THE MOON AN THE STARS AN THIS GUY"
lol nice boyz II men reference
Posted at 8:01PM on Mar 26th 2008 by Alex
2. Where's JetersNeverProsper (or, as I prefer to remember him, "JeterJeterPumpkinEater.")when you need him?
Alex--'I Swear' was an All 4 One song.
Ew. I just freaked myself out that I know that.
Posted at 8:21PM on Mar 26th 2008 by Elizabeth
3. You could not have opened the season with anything better.
That was hysterical!
Posted at 8:24PM on Mar 26th 2008 by ForceEight
4. I hearted this. Fantastic.
Posted at 9:02PM on Mar 26th 2008 by PostmanR
5. Bring back homosexual_rod!
Posted at 9:13PM on Mar 26th 2008 by petejayhawk
6. It could have been A-rod with either Clemens or Canseco's wife that made the SkyDome hotel impose some ... restrictions.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F00E4D7153CF937A3575BC0A960958260
Posted at 12:21AM on Mar 27th 2008 by Andrew
7. While Barry Bonds is away Jose Canseco came to play.
Posted at 1:13AM on Mar 27th 2008 by George B Vieto
8. Good to see George took something out of that.
Posted at 2:02AM on Mar 27th 2008 by PostmanE
9. The Cansecos are awful, awful people and no one should listen to a thing they say.
Ryan Seacrest is worse than Hitler.
Posted at 9:49AM on Mar 27th 2008 by Ragingape
10. some people aren't likin it=go rerish
well, maybe not that far, but it's at least
YOUR WIIIIIIFE
Posted at 4:20PM on Mar 27th 2008 by Mike
11. I swear was by All-4-One, not boyz ii men
Posted at 6:19PM on Mar 28th 2008 by Barclay