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Ohio State Plans to Keep Losing to SEC Long After You've Passed Away

Octogenarians and above, feel free to disregard the following information, as it cannot possibly affect you: the Ohio State Buckeyes and Tennessee Volunteers have just finalized plans to play a home-and-home series.

In light of their recent ineptitude against SEC opponents, this would appear to be a foolish decision on Ohio State's part; the Buckeyes haven't beaten an SEC team since 1988. That win against LSU was their only victory against the SEC since well before WWII. Meanwhile, Ohio State is still winless against the same conference in bowl games, all nine losses coming within the last 30 years. So yes, SEC speeeeeeed! and all that.

But fear not, Bucknuts: All of that is ancient history, completely worthless. Why? Because the games won't even be played for another decade. Yes, the athletic departments at both Ohio State and Tennessee have taken the unusually presumptive stance that Earth as we know it will still exist 10 years from now, Manbearpig be damned, and scheduled the series for 2018 and 2019.

This gives the Buckeyes 10 years to figure out how to slow down an SEC opponent (Answer: tasers. Dozens of them. Five on Percy Harvin alone) and once again be competitive in a game that is creeping past them like a glacier--slow, but totally unstoppable. Meanwhile, quarterbacks will be able to see probabilities in their Lexan visor, and 25-yard end zones, and... oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Still, 10 years is a long time for a football program to evolve (or, as with Nebraska, decompose), and entropy suggests that this matchup may bear little resemblence to its current state. And that's all assuming Skynet lets us keep playing football at all. Vicious haters, they.

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