FanHouse

THE ESSENTIALS
The Diamondbacks (18-7) start Dan Haren (3-1, 3.03 ERA).
The Astros (12-14) start Chris Sampson (1-2, 6.38 ERA).

ANALYSIS
What is an Astro? Is it a thing? When used singularly, is it even a word? An abstract descriptor? A diamondback rattler's only means of attack is its bite. It cannot bite something that does not exist. I know that's pretty weak logic; I really wish baseball teams would make with the nouns.

PREDICTION
Astros over Diamondbacks, 4-3.

QUICK NOTE ABOUT THIS LIVE BLOG
From here forth, our banal and worthless commentary can be read in the box below. It updates much like a one-way instant messenger conversation does, which means you do not need to keep refreshing the page. Feel free to comment in the box at the bottom -- if your sentiment is funny or poorly-informed enough, we may just post it in the blog. Enjoy!




BASEBALL IS BORING LIVE BLOG, PART THE SECOND

11:00PM Hey guys. Sorry about all this refreshing crap.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH

11:02PM Eric Byrnes starts off by being hit with a pitch. Way to exist on a physical plane, chucky!

11:03PM Man, more than anything else about that nice little magic box above, I really miss the real-time user comments. There's something about watching baseball without human interaction to tide you over. The loneliness, it cripples me.

11:07PM Hudson has worked this count full and taken five minutes to do it. You want me to throw a ball at a glove five times real quick? I could do it in like twenty seconds. Baseball is the least efficient exercise I can imagine.

11:08PM Hudson grounds out and moves Byrnes over to second.

11:11PM WHOA WHOA WHOA BASEBALL WAS EXCITING FOR A SECOND! Conor Jackson pushes a bouncer through the hole. Byrnes scores by sliding over the catcher Towles, who was jumping to catch the throw home. Diamondbacks 5, Astros 2.

11:13PM They've finally decided to pull Sampson. The line on Chris Sampson: 4.1 innings, 7 hits, 4 runs, baseball is boring.

11:14PM Dave Borkowski is taking the mound. The folks at the TV station call it the Alltel Call to the Bullpen. That phone on the dugout wall is the oldest cell phone I've ever seen.

11:16PM And he strikes out Mark Reynolds right away. Two gone.

11:18PM And now Upton strikes out. This Borkowski fellow is all right. Upon flailing at the last pitch, he tosses his bat and helmet. Why do players feel the need to do that? He didn't look frustrated or anything, he just looked like it was his game plan all along, no matter what happened. If I were the batboy I'd punch him.

TOP OF THE SIXTH

11:20PM The TV people are now hawking a set of DVDs featuring all seven uncut 2001 World Series games. So, are you going to pay me to watch them? Do I have to claim the income on my taxes? If not, I'm down.

11:22PM Tejada pops out to second. Hudson makes a pretty amazing catch to grab the ball, but the booth is preoccupied with their precious little box set.

11:23PM Wow. Mark Reynolds made a play so great, it woke the booth out of its swag-centric conversational slumber.

11:24PM "That play was so great, it could have been on a DVD!" Of courrrrrse. I hate you all.

11:25PM Carlos Lee makes a pretty poor-looking swing at strike three to end the inning. The Phoenix-area homer announcers say "Ohhhh, Carlos! In these parts we call it a splitfinger fastball!" I hope Carlos Lee walks out of the dugout, up the concourse, and through the door, and just rips their arms off.

11:27PM I wonder whether you can still hawk merchandise without arms. Where there's a Mark Grace, there's a way.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH

11:28PM Stephen Drew lines out with marked haste.

11:30PM Snyder strikes out staring. At this rate, we could fit two sixth innings into the space of one fifth inning.

11:31PM And wow, Dan Haren strikes out. That's not a "wow" as in "wow, who would have ever thought Dan Haren would strike out?"

TOP OF THE SEVENTH

11:32PM I'm going to try to jump back into the CoverItLive thing and post something, if for no other reason than pure curiosity.

11:33PM No dice. It's just as well, I tried to type "fart".

11:35PM Haren just blew a fastball by Hunter Pence for the first out. I take back what I said about him.

11:36PM Loretta grounds out. I can dig what the Astros are trying to do here. What's one quick out if you don't make a second?

11:37PM Reynolds makes a nice running play to throw out Towles. He's not throwing in the towel, oh no! Rather, he is throwing out the Towles! Almost funny. Alllllmost funny.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH

11:38PM Sorry. I should probably stop purporting that this is a live blog of a baseball game, and instead a live blog of Jon assessing his self-worth at two-minute intervals.

11:40PM Mark Grace didn't start the game in the booth, but apparently he's here to stay. At this point, there is nothing to differentiate him from Kevin Costner.

11:41PM Villarreal strikes out Young. The booth name-drops his Latin American hometown and remarks, "Man, these days I guess we need to know Spanish." Careful, guys, careful.

11:43PM Loretta makes a decent snag to throw out Byrnes. Two away.

11:44PM Hudson strikes out, inning over.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH

11:47PM Haren's still out there. He pops out Darin Erstad, who, after all these years, still looks like a half-formed orc.

11:50PM Matsui lines out to Upton. The announcers are just laughing their nipples off over a mis-cued stock techno track that the TV crew inadvertently played. It's music, guys, it happens a lot.

11:52PM Michael Bourn doubles.

11:53PM Miguel Tejada is hitting .330? I wish he'd quit defying my expectations, it makes me uncomfortable.

11:54PM Tejada doubles off the wall, and Bourn scores. Diamondbacks 5, Astros 3. Haren is exiting the ballgame to the lush, wistful sounds and words of Linkin Park.

11:56PM I wonder what you commenters are doing right now. You know, the ones who would post real-time comments on CoverItLive until it went down an hour ago. I think about you folks a lot. All the good times we had. I wonder whether you're still reading, or whether you still think of me. I'd sure feel swell if you did.

11:58PM Back to the action. Chad Qualls comes in to relieve Dan Haren.

11:59PM Nice work. Qualls strikes out Berkman to end the inning. The booth was commenting on the fact that Qualls and Berkman are former teammates. I only say this because after Qualls struck him out, he did that GIMME A HAAAYELL YES crotch thrust that relievers like to do. Only he realized halfway through that he was showing up Berkman, and turned a 180 to complete his pelvic thrust. I can respect that, it's awful hard to just stop mid-innuendo.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH

0:02AM Fly ball in foul territory. A fat gentleman in the crowd muffs the catch, and it bounces around on the roof of the dugout. The fatboy slides across the dugout on his belly, like a square of butter on a skillet, to fetch the ball.

0:04AM Conor Jackson walks.

0:04AM Hey, check out the notation on these timestamps. It's 12:04 AM, which shows up as 0:04. It makes me feel like I'm in the Army. The fact that I noticed that would probably make me a good Army soldier!

0:05AM I have a few friends in the Army. They talk a lot about the "green weenie". You need to put those hot dogs in the fridge, guys. That's why they go green, knuckleheads! I bet that if I joined the Army, there are several suggestions I could make regarding how to make the Army better.

0:07AM Geary, the gentleman who is presently pitching for the Astros, walks Reynolds. Friends on first and second, nobody out, Upton at the plate.

0:09AM A quick break in the action. Mark Grace makes fun of a fat lady in the crowd.

0:10AM Geary walks Upton! The bases are loaded with guys who walked to get there. Unbelievable.

0:11AM Predictably, he's yanked in favor of Wright. I just looked up his AOL profile, then his ESPN profile. The guy doesn't have a face. Just a silhouette with PICTURE NOT AVAILABLE burned into it. How does he see? How does he breathe? If I punched him in the face could I call it a "spell check"? This only raises further questions!

0:15AM Wright walks up to the mound, throws 37 sliders to Stephen Drew, and strikes him out.

0:18AM Jim Abbott pitched successfully in the majors without a hand. In the same spirit, Wright just got out of a bases-loaded, no-out jam by inducing a double play, all without a face. Good work.

0:19AM Many people have grown up without a face and contributed to society and lived happy lives. Notable examples include Wesley Wright and "The Blank" from the Dick Tracy movie.

TOP OF THE NINTH

0:21AM Let's see if Brandon Lyon can come in and finish this game out. Carlos Lee records a quick first out.

0:22AM Hunter Pence runs out a chopper with all his might, bless his little heart, but he's thrown out. Two away.

0:23AM Good Lord. Brandon Lyon just threw a curveball so deceptive it made me swing. And I'm not even playing in the game, and I'm not even holding a baseball bat. 2-2 count.

0:24AM Lyon juuust missed the strike zone. Full count.

0:25AM Loretta strikes out, game over. Final score: Diamondbacks 5, Astros 3.

Thanks for putting up with the change in format, ladies and gentlemen. I was only able to switch so seamlessly because I'm versatile. I can type in this box and I can type in that box.

Well, I was wrong. The Diamondbacks are, in fact, a good team. Plenty of great defensive plays, timely hitting, and solid pitching. There is no conspiracy to be divulged here.

Now, if only I could expose the story of Mike Sweeney to the masses.