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The Dugout: Torment

BPosted Jul 3rd 2008 11:27PM by B

A few days ago, our Baseball is Boring Buddy Tom Fornelli (Dugout SN: StLunaticsRapFornelli) reported on Alberto Callaspo's collapse-o in Kansas City. It turns out he was busted for DUI and put on the disabled list for "evaluation and treatment of an undisclosed medical condition," the Major League Baseball equivalent of Hollywood's "severe exhaustion," which basically just means that he's an adult acting like a stupid idiot and is an eff-up. The worst thing is that it happens as the Royals climb out of the cellar for the first time since... well God, are any of us old enough to remember that?

What we bring you today is the police report of the DUI bust, which, as you may have guessed, did not go as planned. It didn't involve Alberto Callaspo going over to, say, Bono's house and getting busted for gay drug bongo sex and having his wife leave him for, oh, let's say Matthew Sweet or anything, but I mean I guess it's fairly interesting.

After the jump, the dark story behind Alberto's Last Gasp-o... and a look at the sinister forces that could be lurking in the shadows to keep the Royals down.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Sewers Beneath University of Missouri-Kansas City Chatroom!

LadyCop: /shines flashlight

Hello? Is anyone down here?
LadyCop: This is Officer Lady Cop of the Local City Police Force, responding to a drunken disturbance, I just want to see where you are... /wades through rat water
LadyCop: Uh uh I ain't walkin through no rat water
**Online Host**
LadyCop has heard a noise!
LadyCop: What was that?? Who is down here? /shines flashlight along wall

LadyCop: /scans darkness

/catches a pair of reflective eyes
/scans darkness
LadyCop: /darts back to eyes
FitterAppier: *GYAAAAH*

**Online Host**
FitterAppier has lept from the darkness, teeth bared.
LadyCop: oh snap /billy club
FitterAppier: /collapses into lifeless heap in rat water

LadyCop: /points gun

You are under arrest on one count of attempted assault of an officer of the law and two counts of making a black woman almost have to take off her earrings~!
FitterAppier: food... need... food...
LadyCop: what you need is my foot up yo ass, get up /kicks Kevin Appier
FitterAppier: so... hungry... he, he, he made me live here... brought me back just to ... just to make me live in the depths... forever...
LadyCop: son I am 50% Harriet Winslow and 50% pissed off right now, did I ask you for your life story /brandishes billy club
FitterAppier: please... .food...

LadyCop: /looks around, flashes flashlight into darkness

I tell you what
LadyCop: You seen a man running around down here, acting a damn fool?
FitterAppier: /nods head, bites fingertips
LadyCop: You show me where he is and I've got a Charleston Chew with your name on it
LadyCop: But don't try any of your vermin funny business because I am still loco enough to choke the hell out of you with it.
FitterAppier: y-yes, follow ... follow me... /scampers off into sewers
LadyCop: /follows

**Online Host**
Sometime later...

LadyCop has been wandering the sewers for what seems like hours.
FitterAppier: there! /points
LadyCop: what in the-
**Online Host**
CallaspoDancer and a large, hideous monster are performing strange rituals around a hobo fire.

LadyCop: excuse me are you down here with Sidney Ponson /flashes light

because I am seriously not prepared for that right now
CallaspoDancer: ay baby what you doin
LadyCop: put your hands where I can see 'em /points pistol
CallaspoDancer: come on baby how you gon play me like that we jus down here havin a lil bit a fun you know
LadyCop: you been drinking?

CallaspoDancer: i juss had one of drank

hey baby now come on give us a smile you ain gotta point that thang at a brotha
LadyCop: I think you're HIspanic
CallaspoDancer: pishhhh i dont even remember
LadyCop: One drink? All you had is one drink? There is a flipped over vehicle full of Zima bottles on top of the manhole I climbed down to find you
CallaspoDancer: ey that ain even mines
LadyCop: You been beating your wife? You had a little wife beating tonight?
CallaspoDancer: probly, ay look i just wanna play baseball an do my voodoot ritual is that so crazy, come on baby /takes step forward

LadyCop: FREEZE /wiggles gun

I SAID FREEZE RIGHT NOW

CallaspoDancer: koa sinbo, Lady Cop.

koa simbo... Callaspo!
LadyCop: I SAID FREEZE
**Online Host**
The monster strikes!
Lizard: HISSSSSSS

LadyCop: AAAAAAAH

AAAAAAH
**Online Host**
Meanwhile, somewhere far away...
DarkFigure: h e h e h e h e h e h e h h h h h h

DarkFigure: y o u w i l l n e v e r r i s s e

h e r o

DarkFigure: y o u w i l l n e v e r r i s s s s s s e

w h e n j u d a s h a n g e d h i m s s e l f

t h e r e w a s

DarkFigure: a s t o r m....
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: alberto+callaspo, AlbertoCallaspo, callaspodancer, david+glass, DavidGlass, ladycop, pecota

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