For those of you who have followed the Dugout from its infancy in the middle of a Progressive Boink article to its years of thankless cursing on WordUpThome.com and on to our announcement of our selling-out to Fanhouse in our sold-out engagement at Varsity Letters, you know two things to be true.
You know that the Royals would never climb out of last place, no matter how many dead bodies turned up in the fountains.
You also know that arguably our most popular character hasn't made the trip over to Fanhouse with the rest, partially because of how absurd he is in premise and execution and partially because of how we'd need to start over with his backstory and explain everything for those people who click a Dugout, check which team is featured, and leave a completely unrelated comment about how we should cheer for that team/fire that team's manager/visit their website.
Tonight, after the jump, two truths about The Dugout are destroyed and reborn. It's what you've been waiting for. Cheer for the Royals. And fire Trey Hillman.
You know that the Royals would never climb out of last place, no matter how many dead bodies turned up in the fountains.
You also know that arguably our most popular character hasn't made the trip over to Fanhouse with the rest, partially because of how absurd he is in premise and execution and partially because of how we'd need to start over with his backstory and explain everything for those people who click a Dugout, check which team is featured, and leave a completely unrelated comment about how we should cheer for that team/fire that team's manager/visit their website.
Tonight, after the jump, two truths about The Dugout are destroyed and reborn. It's what you've been waiting for. Cheer for the Royals. And fire Trey Hillman.
The Dugout
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Canary: tweet tweet /perches on branch |
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| **Online Host** A faint noise from deep beneath the Earth's surface begins to grow louder... |
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**THOOM** **THOOM** **THOOM** |
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Canary: tweet? |
| **Online Host** Suddenly, from a crack in the Earth spills a glorious blue energy! |
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Canary: /tries to fly away |
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BlueEnergy: WHOOOOOSHHHH /engulfs canary /moves through the air silently |
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Canary: tweet tweet /flies away |
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Kansas City Royals Chatroom! |
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TreyHillMix: Boys... God, it's so great to see you all here today. |
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IrishFisherman: /crosses arms, happily nods head |
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TreyHillMix: The Kansas City Royals have been a laughing stock for years, now. "The worst team in baseball," they'd say. "My son's little league team could be them," they'd say. |
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TreyHillMix: And damn, we were bad. Weren't we? |
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GreinkeDinks: we brought the letter "S" to a t-ball game |
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TreyHillMix: But now... things are different! Up isn't "up" anymore! Down isn't "down!" It's all shaken up! |
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TreyHillMix: Our young talent is putting together wins! Our fans are starting to see that the rebuilding process has reaped skyscrapers! |
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TreyHillMix: ... And when we showed up to the National League with tanks, we found those dirt-farming sefs with nothing but rickshaws and chandlers tools! |
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TreyHillMix: We took 13 wins... and now we're NOT IN LAST PLACE ANYMORE!!! YEARRRRGGGGHHH /Howard Dean yell |
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ShakeYabuta: /pops cork |
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Gilgameche: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEEEEEE /weeps openly |
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DontMatter2DeJesus: this...this feels so great! I just want to... I just want to keep winning ball games! |
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TreyHillMix: We can DO THAT now! We're only 5 1/2 out of third! And nobody's mathematically eliminated yet... miracles can happen! |
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GreinkeDinks: Finally it feels great to be a millionaire! |
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Gilgameche: Let's all buy fur coats! |
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TreyHillMix: Drink up, boys, the salad days of our lives are just beginning! /smiles proudly |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, somewhere far away... |
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DarkFigure: /recoils in pain g a a a a a a a h t h i s c a n n o t b e e e e |
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DarkFigure: /summons dark energies t h i s c a n n o t b e a l l o w e d |
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DarkFigure: w a t c h m y m o n s t e r g r o w w w |
| **Online Host** The dark energies have caused the steroids in a dark-hearted player's blood to react and grow. |
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GuillenYourCar: /clutches fist |
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GuillenYourCar: *mumbles under breath* hijo de puta.... /thrashes nearby folding chair |
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IrishFisherman: What in... Jose, you all right? |
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GuillenYourCar: Coaches... don't need to be all up in our ... business! /thrashes additional chair |
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Gilgameche: Jose! Calm down, bro! |
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IrishFisherman: Jose, if you're talking about me, then you need to shut up! |
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GuillenYourCar: I was talking about... all of you! And I don't appreciate you tel l i n g m e to s h u t u p /throws chair across room |
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GuillenYourCar: /sharpens spikes |
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TreyHillMix: ..The hell is going on?? Come here, both of you! |
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DontMatter2DeJesus: please, I was setting up those chairs for a meeting :( |
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DarkFigure: y e s s s s s s d i v i d e d y o u s h a l l f a l l l |
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DarkFigure: h e e h e e h e e h a h a l a s t p l a c e y e s s s s s s s /wiggles fingers menacingly |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, in the peaceful suburb of Redwood City, California... |
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boy: C'mon Joey, pitch th' ball! M'ghost runners are dyin' 'a starvation! |
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Joey: i'm pitchin', i'm pitchin'!! Hold yer horses! |
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boy: /holds bat like Frank White |
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Joey: /winds up like Jeff Montgomery /throws ball at head |
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boy: /hits the dirt Joey! Y'cotton pickin'... !!! |
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Joey: You were crowdin'! I was protectin' th' inside a th' plate! |
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boy: That's not what that means!! I'm tellin' m'Paw! /runs toward house PAW!! PAWWW!!!! |
| **Online Host** From inside the house emerges "Paw," holding a glass of lemonade in one hand and the opened screen door in the other. |
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Paw: What is it, boy? |
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boy: It's Joe! He brush'd me back! Knock'd m'stick in th' dirt! |
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Joey: He was crowdin' th' plate! I jus' did what th' Rocket would do! |
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Paw: /places hand on boy's shoulder Son, is this true? |
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boy: aww hornswoggle... mebbe a little.. but, but, Joey was-! |
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Paw: Baseball is a precious game, boy. Win or lose it is your integrity that you take away. Pain is temporary; pride, forever. |
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Paw: Keep your head down and your grip choked. Keep your eye on the ball. |
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Paw: The next swing could be your big one. Don't you forget that. The next swing could be your big one. |
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Paw: Don't lose your pride, it'll protect you. And keep your innocence for as long as... for as long as... |
| **Online Host** In the distance, the low rumbling of a motorcycle can be heard... |
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BlueEnergy: /rides in on the winds |
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Paw: For as long! as you can. /looks to the skies |
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
7-06-2008 @ 11:45PM
Five Tools Playa said...
DontMatter2DeJesus: please, I was setting up those chairs for a meeting :(
people that get this are the greatest of all people.
Reply
7-06-2008 @ 11:49PM
SaberToothedPie said...
OMFG. OMFG. OMFG. NEXT INSTALLMENT PLZ
Reply
7-07-2008 @ 1:19AM
Steve said...
I don't think I've ever laughed so giddily after reading the setup. Then I read today's Dugout. Awesome.
Reply
7-07-2008 @ 10:18AM
Amanda said...
I'm with SaberToothedPie.
MOAR PLZ
Also, "absurd" is putting it mildly.
Reply
7-07-2008 @ 6:14PM
killawhale11 said...
IrishFisherman... bwaahahaha. Interestingly enough, Bob coached at Sequoia high school in Redwood City, CA.
Reply
7-08-2008 @ 3:50PM
Dex said...
YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES PLEASE
Reply
7-09-2008 @ 10:51AM
Barclay said...
goddammit write the follow up im dying here we need PECOTA
Reply
7-09-2008 @ 12:14PM
Chris said...
PECOTA!
Reply