FanHouse - The Dugout

Josh Fogg's Pennies, Starring Richard Pryor

Jon Bois — 2008-05-16T15:43:00+00:00

Filed under: Reds, Cincinnati, The Dugout

Yesterday, we learned that Ken Griffey paid off his debt to Josh Fogg in American pennies. Maybe Griffey lost a bet. "Hey, Ken! I bet you won't lug $1500 in pennies into my locker to pay off a bet (the one I am currently proposing to you right now)!" That's right. A nested, self-swallowing bet.

Sorry, didn't mean to make your head explode.

On the bright side, your face might be on a penny someday!

Okay, I'm done. Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: /opens locker
	OnlineHost Josh Fogg's locker is filled with $1500 worth of pennies.
	Elijah_Price: pfffft ahahahaha Sorry. Had to clear out all your other stuff, there wasn't enough room.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: What am I supposed to wear? Where's my hat?
	Elijah_Price: Hmm, I don't know. Hey Arroyo, can you help out Fogg? Have you seen his hat?
	ArroyoFlush: I don't know, I haven't heard much from it ever since it came out with "Slow Ride."
	Elijah_Price: Jokes an' jokes!
	ArroyoFlush: /thrusts crotch
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: Guys, this isn't funny.
	Elijah_Price: All right, fine. If you can find a way to get rid of all these pennies before tonight's game, I'll give you another $1500 in $100 bills. You'll double your bet.
	Elijah_Price: And no throwing them away, either. It's a violation of federal law. I don't need the Treasury Department poking around in this clubhouse. My skeleton is infused with molten nickels.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: Fine. Fine, I can do this.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: /slips two pennies in loafers
	Elijah_Price: Wait, take out another penny. David Weathers is around here somewhere.
	ArroyoFlush: /thrusts crotch
	Elijah_Price: I'm on fire. 149,997 pennies to go, friend.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: /hastily constructs "Coins of the States" cardboard display, sticks penny in each state, throws in envelope, writes grandfather's address on front
	Elijah_Price: That doesn't make any sense. Pennies don't correspond by state.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: uh all right /scrawls "dada art: handle with care " on front, tosses in mailbox
	Elijah_Price: Shouldn't that be "grand-dada art"?
	ArroyoFlush: /thrusts crotch
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: damn it you guys Okay, get in the car.
	OnlineHost Ken Griffey and Josh Fogg have left the chatroom.
	OnlineHost Hours later...
	OnlineHost Ken Griffey and Josh Fogg have entered the chatroom.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: ok I have played every single "win a chalupa" game in every single Taco Bell in the city and still have like 110,000 pennies to go
	Elijah_Price: Yeah, and you cured muscular dystrophy, emphysema, leukemia, and spina bifida in the process. What say you, Arroyo?
	ArroyoFlush: /thrusts crotch
	Elijah_Price: yeah yeah yeah yeah!
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: What's left? How else can I possibly spend these things?
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: Wait. Arroyo, go tell Dusty you've ruined his career.
	ArroyoFlush: ok
	ArroyoFlush: Coach, you have ruined my career!
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: /grabs box of pennies, winds up
	BakersDozen: Ha! If only I had a nickel for every time I heard that! I would have a whole lot of nickels!
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: That's it. Only one thing left to do.
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: Roll back the stone.
	Elijah_Price: ROLL BACK THE STONE
	ArroyoFlush: /walks to end of clubhouse, rolls away massive boulder hi pete!
	charlie_hustle: /looks up from solitaire game, stands up from card table Hey fellas!
	charlie_hustle: Sorry, it's a lil' dusty in here, there isn't much light or air circulation in here! Want me to play baseball? Want me to say "sorry" for money?
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: Can I pay you $1100.13 in pennies to, uh... any ideas guys
	charlie_hustle: One ahead a'you! /produces meat cleaver, chops off index finger, autographs cuticle That'll be $1100.13 in pennies, please!
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: I did it! I DID IT! /lugs over boxes of pennies
	charlie_hustle: Much obliged! /loads pennies into massive safe
	HouseOfJoshAndFogg: So...you're not going to go exchange them for bills or anything?
	charlie_hustle: Nope! Future's in the penny! The economy's a sinkin' ship, fellas, and when the bombs go off I'll be laughin' all the way to the grain co-op!
	charlie_hustle: I'm keepin' these coins!
	Elijah_Price: /clears throat You have participated in a variety of acts which have saved the change, and you must now live with the consequences of those acts.
	charlie_hustle: d'awww union-jacks
	ArroyoFlush: /thrusts crotch

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Kyle Farnsworth Bakes

Nick Dallamora — 2008-05-16T02:05:00+00:00

Filed under: New York, Yankees, AL East, The Dugout

The most docile photo I could find of Farnsworth and I still had to crop out a middle finger.

Big thanks to Will at Deadspin for the preemptive hat tip this afternoon. He knows how big of fans we are of Kyle and his antics, so when it was made public that he enjoys baking we, of course, obliged. This may not be as Dugoutly poetic as, say, pounding Paul Wilson's face into hamburger mush, but damn it's pretty close.

Here's to you, big guy. We love you.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to Yankees Chat!
	MissMyBeardo: wad abowd if i sing a wock an woll song wood dat make you feel bedda fwend
	JobaToTheStars: no
	AbreuInHalf: Want to download a bunch of malicious content onto Girardi's laptop? That's always fun. Maybe attempt a government security breach?
	JobaToTheStars: no
	JetersNeverProsper: Alright, step aside guys. I'm the captain, so this is my responsibility.
	JetersNeverProsper: You want to play grabass for a couple of hours?
	JobaToTheStars: /sigh
	Online Host pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat room
	JetersNeverProsper: Well it's about time. Where have you been?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: bow in the presents of lateness jeter jeter peter eater
	JetersNeverProsper: See, this is why you're a jerk. I go through all the trouble of changing my screen name and you still make that stupid joke.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well maybe next time yule remember to change your facedbooks interists from the chronicals of nardnia to somethin a lil less very freaken gay
	JobaToTheStars: /sough
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what in the ladyfarts has gotten into fatard
	JetersNeverProsper: Ah, well Goose Gossage gave it to him in the press this week. Said he didn't think the way he shows his emotions on the mound was very professional.
	JobaToTheStars: /sniff he's my idol
	AbreuInHalf: We've all been trying to cheer him up, but nothing works. We tried everything!
	JetersNeverProsper: We really need him to pitch, too. We're in last place in the AL East and Hank Steinbrenner said that if we're not in first by tomorrow we're going to be sorry.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: dont any of you numbfarts know nothin about fats indigernous to the motherland fatemala their master chief exporks include richard simins tapes and lookin disgusten when they eat ribs. their currency is the mcnuggit.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: knock knock bitches fats like to get fatted give him some food
	JobaToTheStars: /ears perk
	AbreuInHalf: Good idea! Here you go, Joba. It's a california roll wrapped in extra kelp.
	JobaToTheStars: blech
	JetersNeverProsper: I'd help, but I'm on a diet. All I've got is rice cakes and laxatives.
	MissMyBeardo: wan some a muh candy abble /yanks candy apple from hair
	JobaToTheStars: that's disgusting
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i cant farkin believe you chumps get payed a frakin dime bein so stuped this man needs sugery crap stat
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /dumps crap into bowl /punches crap
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /punches crap
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /punches crap
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /punches crap
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: alright i think thats enough /sticks crap into oven
	Online Host 40 minutes later
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: eat this porkys the movie
	JobaToTheStars: mmm! this is good!
	JetersNeverProsper: /eats cookie Wow, they really are good. You can bake, Kyle?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i already know the answer to this but lets ask for shats do you know nothin about getten chicks or is this a giganterc front
	JetersNeverProsper: It's just...I never figured you for much of a chef.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its the only way i get invitedt to bring your dad or uncle mailman to school day
	JetersNeverProsper: Aw, that's something. I've never seen this side of you before. You're almost an ok guy.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you make another pass at me and ill crackt your skull with damons cinter block frontle lobe

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Baseball is Boring: Yankees @ Rays

Nick Dallamora — 2008-05-15T16:00:00+00:00

Filed under: New York, Yankees, Rays, Tampa Bay, Featured Stories, The Word, The Dugout

Baseball is America's pastime, but had our forefathers enjoyed the modern conveniences of clocks, ball pumps, or haste, this pastime may well have been basketball or football. Instead, they had wood, leather, and a rudderless disposition. Baseball is Boring is a series of live blogs for folks who need irony and self-awareness to get through a game.

Today we have another mystery player, seen here in a Yankees cap. A small clue would be that he's my all-time favorite Yankees player. I'll drop more clues later if it's not immediately apparent.

Today we have the FIRST PLACE Rays hosting the SECOND TO LAST PLACE Yankees. I assure you my psilocybin habit has been thoroughly kicked, and that is indeed the case. A huge favorite to be the breakout team in the American League this season they've been exactly that, through strong pitching and timely hitting. Granted, I believe they'll fall back to earth in the months to come, it's still rather exciting to see action springing from the former cellar dwellers of the east.

THE ESSENTIALS
The Yankees (20-21) start Ian Kennedy (0-2, 8.37 ERA)
The Rays (23-17) start Scott Kazmir (1-1, 2.70 ERA)

ANALYSIS
The Rays have been playing the best ball in their franchise's history since they dropped the "Devil" part, which has really got me thinking. Was there an unholy presence within these manta rays? Webster defines "devil" as "the personal supreme spirit of evil often represented in Jewish and Christian belief as the tempter of humankind, the leader of all apostate angels, and the ruler of hell," which certainly strikes me as a not good thing. The Yankees also have a lot of money, and as we all recall from Matthew 19:24, "Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." The newly exorcised Rays hold a clear advantage.

PREDICTION
Yankees over the Rays 24-2.

QUICK NOTE ABOUT THIS LIVE BLOG
From here forth, our banal and worthless commentary can be read in the box below. It updates much like a one-way instant messenger conversation does, which means you do not need to keep refreshing the page. Feel free to comment in the box at the bottom -- if your sentiment is funny or poorly-informed enough, we may just post it in the blog. Enjoy!

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Where Fake AIM Happens

Nick Dallamora — 2008-05-13T15:00:00+00:00

Filed under: The Dugout

There are a few things the MLB should take from the NBA. Slam dunking cheerleaders, for one. Another would have to be those freaky face hybrid commercials they've been airing for the playoffs this year. As was highlighted here on FanHouse earlier today, BenAndEric.com made a spoof of these featuring Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. Hilarious as it may be, I thought to myself "Why not include a couple of players who are still in the game, you know?" So I felt obligated to make a fake AIM conversation doing exactly that.

After the jump, a disappointing lack of slam dunking women. Kinda like the WNBA.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to MLB Commercial Chat!
	OrtizMeyerWiener: The moment. You know when it arrives because you can't breathe.
	OrtizMeyerWiener: Your pulse spikes.
	OrtizMeyerWiener: Your flesh goes cold, but you sweat twice as much.
	OrtizMeyerWiener: I don't mind it.
	OrtizMeyerWiener: I need it.
	DaMeatRightHook: when some dumb piece a **** makes eye contact lenses wit yo ass
	DaMeatRightHook: cold cock that motha so gat spam hard he cant remembereds he own birtday
	DaMeatRightHook: them ****s hurt ya casey clobberers
	DaMeatRightHook: but you gotta crack a few kegs ta make a crackpipe
	EhRod: THE PEECHUR E'STARES YOU DOWN
	EhRod: YOUR BUTTOGS E'TIGHTEN. YOU POUT YOUR LEEPS AND ARCH YOUR BACK
	PujolJunkies: e'wait. why are we e'partners again?
	E5_Rod: BEGAUSE WE ARE BOTH DOMEENEECAN SILLY
	PujolJunkies: i don't konw if i'm e'comfortable with this e'script
	E5_Rod: JUS READ THE DAMN SCRIMPS
	EhRod: YOU TRY TO EGSPLAIN IT TO E'REPORTERS BUT EETS USELESS
	EhRod: SO YOU CUDDLE UP WITH
	PujolJunkies: no e'way i'm out of e'here
	SmokeSomeGagne: Sorry I'm late, guys. Is this the League of Clutch?

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Eric Gagné With A Spoon

2008-05-12T12:38:00+00:00

Filed under: Brewers, Cardinals, NL Central, St. Louis, Milwaukee, The Dugout

What a terrible time to be a relief pitcher. We're only a month and a half into the season and already people are being pulled out of position for poor performance, scolded for showing emotion, and blamed for managerial jobs being put on the line. The worst examples of this have been St. Louis's Jason Isringhausen and Milwaukee's Eric Gagné.

In today's Dugout, we discuss the many reasons how and why St. Louis's Jason Isringhausen and Milwaukee's Eric Gagné are the worst examples. Oh boy, are they a couple of bad examples.

(Oh yeah, and if you don't get Izzy's screen name, say his last name out loud slowly.)

More, after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Local Bar Chatroom!
	SmokeSomeGagne: man, I used to be the best there ever was. /drowns sorrows
	SmokeSomeGagne: 84 saves in a row. I went an entire season without blowing a save. 161 for 168. I'd set 'em up with the fastball and strike 'em out with the vulcan change-up.
	SmokeSomeGagne: Now I just vulcan suck.
	JewelryStore: I know how you feel, brother. In 2004 I had 47 saves. 47 SAVES!
	JewelryStore: and then last week a lady asked me to get her cat out of a tree, and when I climbed up there the cat exploded and the lady's house burned down /downs fuzzy navel
	SmokeSomeGagne: I've got an excuse, though. See, I had TWO Tommy John surgeries. My elbow is just chicken wire wrapped around chopped up newspaper and squid parts.
	JewelryStore: pfft, whatever I had two hip surgeries in two years and I'm only 35 years old. When I'm 60 the medicare people are gonna have to scrape me off the bathroom floor with a piece of cardboard.
	SmokeSomeGagne: I'm getting ten million dollars this year to do nothing but blow saves and look like Roy from The Office.
	JewelryStore: well I'm getting eight million dollars to lose two out ninth innings and then pump my fists like I did something awesome.
	JewelryStore: Seriously, I'm so bad I got demoted from closer.
	SmokeSomeGagne: I'm so bad, I had to demote MYSELF from closer because my manager was afraid he'd hurt my feelings.
	JewelryStore: I'm so bad I watched tape of myself pitching, swatted at the television, and injured myself. Who am I, Kyle Farnsworth?
	SmokeSomeGagne: nope, Kyle Farnsworth has a 3.00 era this season
	JewelryStore: my WHIP is so high that Devo refuses to sing about it
	SmokeSomeGagne: my WHIP is a letter a letter that isn't even in the alphabet
	JewelryStore: I don't even know what WHIP is. I don't even know what a baseball is. By now I'm just scooping up dirt and throwing it at the hitter.
	SmokeSomeGagne: I tried to scoop up dirt the other day but missed the Earth six times in a row before they brought in somebody else to scoop it for me
	JewelryStore: I blow so hard that if a balloon touches my lips it instantly explodes
	SmokeSomeGagne: I blow so hard that Lindsay Lohan carries me around in her nostril
	JewelryStore: I'm so bad at saving, Zack Slater and Screech were forced to complete the teacher's popped test
	SmokeSomeGagne: I'm so bad at saving, I tried to use a coupon and it made my groceries more expensive.
	JewelryStore: I went into a Save-A-Lot yesterday and found I could Force Push people
	SmokeSomeGagne: I tried to put a dollar into my savings account and somebody came out of the bank and tried to shoot me with a gun
	JewelryStore: Look, I'm sick of you trying to one-up me! I'm worse!
	SmokeSomeGagne: No, I'm worse!
	JewelryStore: THAT'S IT /scoots out bar stool
	SmokeSomeGagne: /tries to throw punch /knocks glass off of bar
	Online Host SoriaBoutMyMonobrow has caught the glass before it hit the ground.
	SoriaBoutMyMonobrow: here you go, you should be more careful
	JewelryStore: hey thanks for saving that, man
	SoriaBoutMyMonobrow: no prob hey, were you two aware that you are both f*cking terrible?
	SmokeSomeGagne: yeah we were just discussing that

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Win A Date With Greg Hamilton

2008-05-10T07:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Houston, Astros, Olympics, The Dugout

Pictured, right: the Canadian national baseball team on their way to practice.

Stubby Clapp isn't going to be a part of Canada's Olympic squad in Beijing this year and it's a damn shame, because the minute or so it took the announcers to talk about how funny his name is would've been the most entertaining minute or so in Canadian baseball this year. The Houston Astros organization should be ashamed of themselves for denying a kinda bad, injured, 35 year old minor leaguer in their employ to pinch hit once or twice on the seventh or eighth-ish place team at the Summer Olympics. Who are they going to get to replace him, Billy Jo Robidoux? That guy isn't even Canadian.

After the jump, today's Dugout, wherein The Stubbster breaks the bad news to his coach, who looks a lot like the singer Sting when you look at him for a while.

The Dugout

	HamilToe: Whaddaya mean they aren't gonna let you play??
	AmputeesApplause: The Astros were very clear, yah, they want me in Class A Lexington to do my job. Aye dunno coach.
	HamilToe: Oh boy, oh BOY this isn't good, no sir... this is the worst thing to happen to Canada since that hayride that tipped over and killed everybody
	AmputeesApplause: So you lose some veteran leadership, what's the big whoop?
	HamilToe: First of all, Stubby, do you know how hard it is to find somebody to replace the name "Stubby Clapp?" By God I just don't think it can be done.
	HamilToe: Per Djoos doesn't play baseball, Coot Veal isn't Canadian, and Shag Shaughnessy has been dead for forty years
	HamilToe: plus all of our Major Leaguers are goin' to hell as of late, so we're down to the rough stuff
	AmputeesApplause: What? What's happening to everybody?
	HamilToe: Well I dunno Stubby! Adam Loewen is always gettin' hurt, Pete Orr got Dark City replaced with Jeff Francoeur an' then fell off the face of the Earth, Sebastien Boucher's mama won't let him play the foosball... and Jason Bay, don't get me started on Jason Bay
	AmputeesApplause: What's wrong with Jason? He's pretty good, eh?
	HamilToe: I always end up drafting Jason Bay to my fantasy team and then he hits .220 with 1 home run and 4 RBI in 350 games, no thanks
	HamilToe: right now our outfield is looking like Ryan Radmanovinch, Todd McFarlane, and a polar bear, that's how our outfield is looking
	AmputeesApplause: you'd rather have a polar bear in the outfield than Jason Bay?
	HamilToe: I'm just tired of looking at his face, ugh
	HamilToe: okay you're right though, the polar bear is just gonna draw walks, we'll start Radmanovinch, McFarlane, and "Inuit Fisherman"
	HamilToe: damn Stubby, are you sure you can't get to Beijing? Our government'd surely supply you with all the high quality beers and old tapes of You Can't Do That On Television you'd need to be persuaded, being a Canadian as you are, having been born in Canada like you was
	AmputeesApplause: Nah, they were very explicit, I asked them about it and they said "Roger Clemens?" and then started at me for a while there
	AmputeesApplause: It sucks, y'know, because they're letting Miguel Tejada play for the Dominican Republic team, on account of him bein' only 17 years old.
	HamilToe: he's pretty good for his age, y'know
	AmputeesApplause: Oh, I know.
	HamilToe: Well Stubb, I guess I'm gonna have to accept the fact that this year we aren't gonna get the Clapp. /pats shoulder
	HamilToe: damn, this might be worse than the deadly hayride
	AmputeesApplause: Anything I can do for ya before I head back to Lexington?
	HamilToe: Well now that you meantion it, Inuit Fisherman keeps stabbing the ball with a harpoon, could ya figure out a way to stop him from doin' that?
	AmputeesApplause: I'm on it, Coach!
	HamilToe: Oh Stubby, you're the best Canadian leader since Louis-Hippolyte Lafontaine, born 1807.
	AmputeesApplause: Oh, Hamilton, I stand on guard for thee.

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

The Dugout: Blogs Slash Zim

2008-05-08T23:13:00+00:00

Filed under: Washington, DC, Nationals, NL East, The Dugout

Earlier today, Fanhouse blogger Josh Alper (Dugout username: AmburgerAlper) brought the web log of Washington Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman to our attention. Long story short he writes like a happy third grader and as someone who works almost exclusively in hearsay and slander I think it's great. Imagine if David Wright's blog was about how fantastic his lunch was.

And hey, we never talk about the Nats without talking about SteakGrowsOnDmitri, so I thought it was about time to give big ups to the motherland of Caucasia and represent the white folk of our nation's capital. No, not all of those white folk.

www.zimmerman.gov.ww/zimmerman, after the jump.

The Dugout

	BooneTang: ... what's that you typed at the end of your sentence? A colon and a /makes finger motion closed parenthesis?
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: heh, that's what we call an "emoticon!" It tells the reader how I'm feeling when I wrote the sentence!
	BooneTang: well how does it do that!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: here's the trick: turn your head to the side! What does it look like now?
	BooneTang: /turns head, gasps A smiley face!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: Right on! You can do all sorts of great things with AOL Instant Messenger(R)!
	Imagine: Aw man, I didn't believe you when you said you had a blog, but there it is! I didn't even know you had a 'puter!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: yep, hehh, I need to get a new one, this one's 'bout obsolete!
	BooneTang: That's true, these days it seems like you buy a computer and then, next thing you know, it's owbsleet! I'm laughing out loud!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: You don't have to type out "laughing out loud," Aaron. Just type "LOL" and the AIMsters[TM] will get what yer sayin!
	BooneTang: LOL
	Imagine: He's laughing! You're laughing now!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: See?
	Imagine: Say, write something on your blog! I've never seen someone blog before!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: All righty then! /makes exaggerated typing motions Dear... blog!
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: "The new stadium is fantastic!!! If you have not been out there yet with the weather getting nicer, please come. It's an incredible ballpark."
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: "It's been so nice to see good size crowds. It really is fun to play before a loud crowd that is into the game."
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: "I hated to see Wizards lose in the playoffs. I went to a lot of games this past off season and it was so much fun."
	Imagine: Hey now, Ryan, "hate" is a pretty strong word, the Internet isn't the Wild West!
	BooneTang: ...an' now people can read what you just typed if they go on the internet?
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: Sure! As long as they can remember the catchy URL for my website!
	Imagine: Ryan Zimmerman dot com?
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: No, that was taken... but the real one is just as good! h-t-t-p colon forward-slash forward slash "Comcast Sports Net" (one word) dot TV slash "pages" slash "blog" slash "zim" !
	BooneTang: I tell ya... if the Internet is the "World Wide Web," that must make you the spider!
	Imagine: Write s'more in your blog, Spider Man! LOL
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: Sure! :) /type type type type
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: "I think that hot dogs are the perfect snack for a day at the ballpark. They taste great! Everyone should eat a hot dog."
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: "Screech the Eagle is so funny! He makes jokes with the crowd and gets them all riled up. His favorite food is gummy worms."
	BooneTang: we're through the looking glass here, people.
	Online Host DukesOfHazzard has entered the chatroom.
	DukesOfHazzard: HOLE UP WHAT YOU WHITE BOYS DOIN ON MY COMPUTER
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: Eep! Heh heh, hey there Elijah! We were just
	DukesOfHazzard: if any you n____ mess up my boondocks torrent, you dead dawg, i ain' even bulls___, your kids too /clicks a few keys /looks at screen S___!!!
	BooneTang: What did you mean by "you dead dawg?" I don't understand that slang!
	DukesOfHazzard: /draws pistol /places pistol on desk /takes picture of pistol with Polaroid camera /waits a few seconds /shakes picture furiously /hands picture to BooneTang
	BooneTang: But this is just a picture of a yellow square! How would that make us...
	BooneTang: Oh I see now, it's starting to develop, I was just going to say, we-
	BooneTang: Oh. :(
	WetHotAmericanZimmer: CHEESE IT

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Baseball Is Boring: Braves-Padres Live Blog

Jon Bois — 2008-05-08T12:58:00+00:00

Filed under: Atlanta, Braves, Padres, MLB Live Blogging, San Diego, Featured Stories, The Dugout

Baseball is America's pastime, but had our forefathers enjoyed the modern conveniences of clocks, ball pumps, or haste, this pastime may well have been basketball or football. Instead, they had wood, leather, and a rudderless disposition. Baseball is Boring is a series of live blogs for folks who need irony and self-awareness to get through a game.

Who is the greatest Jo-Jo of all time? We can safely narrow the nominees to three. There's teenage pop sensation JoJo, who is noted for releasing a song at age 13 about kicking her boyfriend out of her house. There's Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy, a gentleman who grew hair on his face and spent most of his unfortunate existence traveling with the circus and growling at people to maintain character. Finally, there's Jo-Jo Reyes, a highly touted left-hander in the Atlanta Braves organization. Tomorrow I will live blog as I listen to a JoJo album, and the day after that I will travel to Pennsylvania and live blog the weather conditions from a nondescript clearing where Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy's tortured skeleton may or may not be buried. But today! We are to determine the mettle of Jo-Jo Reyes as he makes his second start of the season against the San Diego Padres. Join me after the jump, where I will get to the bottom of this question.
THE ESSENTIALS
The Padres (12-22) start Wilfredo Ledezma (0-0, 1.96 ERA)
The Braves (17-15) start Jo-Jo Reyes (1-0, 1.69 ERA).

ANALYSIS
I have nothing but respect for 19th-century holy men, but regardless of the situation, I'd be hard pressed not to put my money on a man with a tomahawk (even if he is a racist stereotype). I'm sure there were probably real-life encounters between padres and Native Americans in the frontier days. Unfortunately, Elias does not seem to have these win-loss records on file.

PREDICTION
Braves over Padres, 8-4.

QUICK NOTE ABOUT THIS LIVE BLOG
From here forth, my banal and worthless commentary can be read in the box below. It updates much like a one-way instant messenger conversation does, which means you do not need to keep refreshing the page. Feel free to comment in the box at the bottom -- if your sentiment is funny or poorly-informed enough, I may just post it in the blog. Enjoy!

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments