Sports Commentary
Sixteen opening-round games on day one and 13 were blowouts? If this is awesome, baby, I’d hate to see boring.
The good news is the NCAA Tournament didn't get any worse than Thursday, when Miss Another Layup State hung 29 on UCLA. Now for the better news: As much as the Boys of Spring let us down, the Boys of Summer are on the way.
That’s the thing about the tournament. It isn’t just a tournament. March Madness doubles as the opening act of April, the best month on the sports calendar. When the tournament ends, baseball season begins. Like John Daly’s next brewski, you know it’s coming.
Ah, baseball. The thwack of the bat, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sounds of "play ball!" and "quick, somebody hide the needles!" I don't know about you, but I’m bursting at the seams with anticipation.
With the Red Sox and A’s about to open the season in Tokyo, here are my 50 fearless predictions for 2008, brought to you by Lite Beer from Miller*. (*-not really, but I’m hoping they notice the free plug and send me a few cases) ...
1. Actress Alyssa Milano sues a tabloid for reporting that she is dating the entire Dodgers bullpen. According to courtroom documents, Milano actually is dating the starting rotation.
2. Bud Selig will buy a new suit for the first time since the Braves left Milwaukee.
3. The Royals, in an attempt to cash in on the retro craze, will announce they have become a farm club for the Yankees, just as Kansas City was in the ’50s.
4. Several Tigers players come down with nosebleeds in early June. Doctors attribute it to Detroit being so high atop the AL Central standings.
5. A-Rod is spotted going into his favorite strip joint in Toronto.
6. A-Rod is spotted leaving his favorite strip joint in Toronto with a blonde bombshell.
7. A-Rod again is spotted going into his favorite strip joint in Toronto.
8. A-Rod is spotted leaving his favorite strip joint in Toronto with a brunette bombshell.
9. A-Rod decides to buy stock in his favorite strip joint in Toronto.
10. Unable to get another gig in the game, Barry Bonds agrees to become a giant Kielbasa and race fellow sausage heads at Miller Park.
11. Bonds wins on Opening Day, nipping the Polish Sausage at the finish line, then goes on the DL.
12. The Cardinals are so God awful, Albert Pujols says, unlike Mark McGwire, he only wants to talk about the past.
SAN DIEGO - July 17: Cheyenne Woods, niece of Tiger Woods, tees off the 10th hole during the 2nd Round of the Junior World Golf Championships on July 17, 2002 at the Lawrence Welk Resort in San Diego, California. (Photo by Dolanld Miralle/Getty Images)
Dolanld Miralle, Getty Images
Fans watch as a ball that popped loose out of New York Yankees' Johnny Damon's glove rests momentarily on the fence before dropping to the ground during the third inning against the Boston Red Sox in Major League Baseball action Friday, July 4, 2008 at Yankee Stadium in New York. Damon made a leaping attempt on a hit by Red Sox's Kevin Youkilis. Two runs scored on the play. Damon left the game after the play. (AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)
Julie Jacobson, AP
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - JULY 05: Jockey Craig Durden rolls after falling from Toulouse Lautrec the first time around in the Cleanevent Grand National Steeplechase during the Cleanevent Grand National Steeple Day meeting at Flemington Racecourse on July 5, 2008 in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Mark Dadswell/Getty Images)
Mark Dadswell, Getty Images
Chaunte Howard clears the bar during the women's high jump final at the U.S. Olympic Track and Field Trials in Eugene, Ore., Friday, July 4, 2008. Howard finished in first place to earn a place on the U.S. Olympic team. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)
Charlie Riedel, AP
Seattle Mariners center fielder Jeremy Reed dives to catch a fly ball from Detroit Tigers' Gary Sheffield in the second inning of a baseball game Thursday, July 3, 2008, in Seattle. (AP Photo/Elaine Thompson)
Elaine Thompson, AP
In this photo provided by Six Flags St. Louis, Robbie Knievel jumps 25 Dodge cars at Six Flags St. Louis, traveling at approximately 85 mph off of a 25-foot ramp and flying some 25-feet into the air on Thursday, July 3, 2008, in St. Louis, Mo. Robbie dedicated the jump to his Dad, Evel Knievel. (AP Photo/Six Flags St. Louis, James Visser)
James Visser, Six Flags St. Louis / AP
San Diego Padres' Michael Barrett, center, is helped by an unidentified trainer, left, and manager Bud Black after Barrett was hit in the bridge of the nose by a foul tip in the third inning of a Major League Baseball game against the Colorado Rockies in Denver on Wednesday, July 2, 2008. (David Zalubowski, AP)
David Zalubowski, AP
Serena Williams of the US., reacts after winning her Women's Singles semifinal match against China's Zheng Jie on the Centre Court at Wimbledon, Thursday, July 3 , 2008. (Kirsty Wigglesworth, AP)
Kirsty Wigglesworth, AP
BHP Billiton China President Clinton Dines holds a Beijing Olympic Games gold medal before an official handing over ceremony in Beijing July 3, 2008. The Beijing organisers took possession of the 3,000 medals for next month's Olympics in a ceremony near Tiananmen Square on Thursday, 36 days before the start of the Games. (David Gray, Reuters)
David Gray, Reuters
OMAHA, NE - JULY 02: Brendan Hansen competes in the preliminary heats of the 200 meter breaststroke during the U.S. Swimming Olympic Trials on July 2, 2008 at the Qwest Center in Omaha, Nebraska. (Donald Miralle, Getty Images)
Donald Miralle, Getty Images
13. The Phillies, hoping to lure the Little League World Series out of nearby Williamsport, Pa., announce plans to lengthen the power alleys at Citizens Bank Park.
14. Nomar Garciaparra will sit out April with an injury and May through September because he can’t play anymore.
15. The Nationals will raise ticket prices, beer prices and parking prices at their new ballpark en route to finishing 36 games out in the N.L. East.
16. Roger Clemens will sign autographs during a rare appearance at Minute Maid Park, only to realize that baseball card he just signed was a subpoena.
17. The Orioles are so lousy, they sign Clemens, Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mike Piazza and become a slow-pitch softball team.
18. Curt Schilling is spotted in New York dining alone with all of his friends in the Red Sox clubhouse.
19. Prince Fielder finds out he was adopted and his real last name is Hitter.
20. Rafael Palmeiro, hoping for one last shot in the bigs, says it was all a misunderstanding, that he meant to say ‘‘I have never used Viagra, period!’’
21. The Rays finish .500 in April for the first time in franchise history, prompting the city of Tampa to throw a golf-cart parade down Main Street.
22. Tom Clancy announces plans to sell the Orioles so he can go back to writing more books with the same story line.
23. The Marlins unveil their catchy marketing slogan for ’08: "Come watch us play. It beats having your roof blown off by a hurricane."
24. The Cubs, bless their hearts, make it an even 100 years of swings and misses.
25. The Red Sox sweep the Yankees on their first trip to the Bronx.
26. The Red Sox sweep the Yankees on their second trip to the Bronx.
27. A camera close-up catches Hank Steinbrenner wearing a Red Sox Nation pin in his Stadium luxury suite.
28. Big Papi blows his nose in the dugout and an alert Fenway Park janitor grabs the prize and hawks it on eBay.
29. The Angels haul out the fireworks to celebrate the Fourth of July and their clinching of the AL West.
30. Lou Piniella quits as Cubs manager moments after throwing first, second and third base into the seats at Wrigley Field.
31. The Rockies win 20 out of 22 in April and a Denver columnist writes, "What have you done for us lately?"
32. Cubs outfielder Felix Pie suddenly discovers that hitting the curveball is a piece of cake.
33. A Chicago columnist will write a piece in September saying, "Am I reading this right? The White Sox are 10 games better than the Cubs in the standings?"
34. Johan Santana will win the NL Cy Young Award and still be overpaid.
35. The Yankees will dispense with the speculation by signing Indians free agent-to-be C.C. Sabathia during the All-Star break.
36. Manny Ramirez will lead the league in hair colors, batting stances and trade demands.
37. The Texas Rangers will win almost as many games as the New York Rangers.
38. Dick Cheney almost kills someone while throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the Nationals’ new ballpark.
39. The Giants are so bad, those McCovey Cove kayakers return to their jobs at 7-Eleven.
40. Andruw Jones will hit Fielder's weight, not his own, in his first season with the Dodgers.
41. A friend of some ballplayer's cousin’s barber's mechanic will claim the player was on the juice, and George Mitchell will stick it in his next report.
42. Dice-K will sell a few tickets in Tokyo.
43. The Upton brothers, B.J. and Justin, will move one step closer to superstardom. And, eventually, Yankee Stadium.
44. Ichiro will rack up 250 hits and 251 total bases.
45. Pete Rose will win the Reds' NCAA office pool.
46. The Pirates will be a story in Pittsburgh right up to the first pulled hammie at Steelers training camp.
47. Ryan Howard will hit his 50th home run at Citizens Bank Park, only to have it nullified by the infield fly rule.
48. The Reds shock the world by winning the National League pennant.
49. The Yankees, in a startling turnaround, win the World Series.
50. A-Rod, when asked if he's going to Disneyland, says, "Nah, I'm going to Toronto."
Jim Armstrong is a sports columnist for The Denver Post. Feel free to e-mail him at dontmissjim@aol.com.
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