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'Fearless' Baseball Predictions

By JIM ARMSTRONG,

AOL

Posted: 2008-03-21 22:10:02

Filed Under: MLB, Voices

Sports Commentary

Sixteen opening-round games on day one and 13 were blowouts? If this is awesome, baby, I’d hate to see boring.

The good news is the NCAA Tournament didn't get any worse than Thursday, when Miss Another Layup State hung 29 on UCLA. Now for the better news: As much as the Boys of Spring let us down, the Boys of Summer are on the way.

That’s the thing about the tournament. It isn’t just a tournament. March Madness doubles as the opening act of April, the best month on the sports calendar. When the tournament ends, baseball season begins. Like John Daly’s next brewski, you know it’s coming.

Ah, baseball. The thwack of the bat, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sounds of "play ball!" and "quick, somebody hide the needles!" I don't know about you, but I’m bursting at the seams with anticipation.

With the Red Sox and A’s about to open the season in Tokyo, here are my 50 fearless predictions for 2008, brought to you by Lite Beer from Miller*. (*-not really, but I’m hoping they notice the free plug and send me a few cases) ...

1. Actress Alyssa Milano sues a tabloid for reporting that she is dating the entire Dodgers bullpen. According to courtroom documents, Milano actually is dating the starting rotation.

Latest MLB Photos

Hugging her son Brady, in Brandon, Miss., Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008, A'Leece Kemp says the expenses and difficulties of juggling a home life, school, games and practice for her son Brady Kemp, a member of the select baseball traveling team of 8-year-olds called "The Hot Shots," and the high school life of daughter, Gabby Bulger, a school band member, may extract their toll from the parents, but they do so gladly. Husband and father Larry Kemp is the baseball team's coach and equipment manager. (AP Photo/Rogelio V. Solis)

Rain makes catching a bouncing grounder hard to handle for Brady Kemp, 8, at Shiloh Park in Brandon, Miss., Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008. Kemp is a member of a select traveling baseball team. (AP Photo/Rogelio V. Solis, File)

Brady Kemp, 8, drops into position to field a low throw, Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008, during a workout at Shiloh Park in Brandon, Miss. The Kemp family can all attest to both the honor and expense of having a son, like Brady on a select baseball travel team. (AP Photo/Rogelio V. Solis)

Eight-year-old Brady Kemp throws a baseball to his fathery, Larry Kemp, during a short workout at Shiloh Park in Brandon, Miss., Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008. A member of a select baseball travel ball team, Brady and his family have traveled extensively to get him and his teammates to tournaments. (AP Photo/Rogelio V. Solis)

Ducking in a dugout to escape the rain at Shiloh Park in Brandon, Miss., Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008, Larry Kemp, father, left standing, A'Leece Kemp, mother, right standing, Gabby Bulger, sister, seating right, can all attest to both the honor and expense of having a son, like Brady Kemp, 8, left, on a select traveling baseball team. (AP Photo/Rogelio V. Solis)

USA baseball general manager Bob Watson, left, and manager Davey Johnson watch from behind the batting cage during the team's practice session at Wukesong baseball complex at the Beijing 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Tuesday, Aug. 12 2008. (AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 11: Jimmy Rollins #11 of the Philadelphia Phillies looks on after a double by James Loney of the Los Angeles Dodgers (not in picture) in the bottom of the eighth inning during their MLB game at Dodger Stadium on August 11, 2008 in Los Angeles, California. The Dodgers defeated the Phillies 8-6. (Photo by Victor Decolongon/Getty Images)

Getty Images

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 11: Manny Ramirez #99 of the Los Angeles Dodgers runs to third base on a double by James Loney (not in photo) in the eighth inning during their MLB game at Dodger Stadium on August 11, 2008 in Los Angeles, California. The Dodgers defeated the Phillies 8-6. (Photo by Victor Decolongon/Getty Images)

Getty Images

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 11: Matt Kemp #27 of the Los Angeles Dodgers collides into Chase Utley #26 of the Philadelphia Phillies at second base as Utley finishes his throw to first base to converts the double play at the bottom of the seventh inning during their MLB game at Dodger Stadium on August 11, 2008 in Los Angeles, California. The Dodgers defeated the Phillies 8-6. (Photo by Victor Decolongon/Getty Images)

Getty Images

Los Angeles Dodgers' James Loney hits a two-run single in the third inning during an MLB baseball game against the Philadelphia Phillies, Monday, Aug. 11, 2008, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Gus Ruelas)

2. Bud Selig will buy a new suit for the first time since the Braves left Milwaukee.

3. The Royals, in an attempt to cash in on the retro craze, will announce they have become a farm club for the Yankees, just as Kansas City was in the ’50s.

4. Several Tigers players come down with nosebleeds in early June. Doctors attribute it to Detroit being so high atop the AL Central standings.

5. A-Rod is spotted going into his favorite strip joint in Toronto.

6. A-Rod is spotted leaving his favorite strip joint in Toronto with a blonde bombshell.

7. A-Rod again is spotted going into his favorite strip joint in Toronto.

8. A-Rod is spotted leaving his favorite strip joint in Toronto with a brunette bombshell.

9. A-Rod decides to buy stock in his favorite strip joint in Toronto.

10. Unable to get another gig in the game, Barry Bonds agrees to become a giant Kielbasa and race fellow sausage heads at Miller Park.

11. Bonds wins on Opening Day, nipping the Polish Sausage at the finish line, then goes on the DL.

12. The Cardinals are so God awful, Albert Pujols says, unlike Mark McGwire, he only wants to talk about the past.

Did You See That?

In this photo provided by the USGA, a black bear runs across the 13th fairway during the second round of the 2008 U.S. Senior Open Championship at The Broadmoor in Colorado Springs, Colo. on Friday, August 1, 2008. (John Mummert, USGA/AP)

John Mummert, USGA/AP

Australia's Sophie Edington balances a water bottle on her forehead during a training session in the Olympic Aquatic Center at the Beijing 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Tuesday, August 4, 2008. (David J. Phillip,AP)

David J. Phillip, AP

Flames rise around Chrissy Wallace's car after a crash in turn one the ARCA RE/MAX Series Pennsylvania 200 auto race at Pocono Raceway in Long Pond, Pa., Saturday, Aug. 2, 2008. After the fire burned out, Wallace restarted her car and drove to the garage. (Russ Hamilton, AP)

Russ Hamilton, AP

Mike Mason competes in the Moto X Freestyle Final during X Games 14 on August 2, 2008 at the Home Depot Center in Carson, California. (Jonathan Moore, Getty Images)

Jonathan Moore, Getty Images

Houston Astros' Hunter Pence (9) and Mark Loretta, center, score to tie up the game as New York Mets catcher Ramon Castro (11) loses the ball in the ninth inning of a baseball game Saturday, Aug. 2, 2008, in Houston. The Astros went on to win 5-4 in 10 innings. (Pat Sullivan, AP)

Pat Sullivan, AP

Ideye Brown (R) of FC Neuchatel Xamax fights for the ball with FC Aarau's Frederic Page (C) and goalkeeper Ivan Benito during their Super League soccer match in Neuchatel August 2, 2008. (Stefan Wermuth, Reuters)

Stefan Wermuth, Reuters

A diver practices at the National Aquatics Center ahead of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games on August 3, 2008 in Beijing, China. (Jamie Squire, Getty Images)

Jamie Squire, Getty Images

Carl Edwards, driver of the #99 Office Depot Ford, celebrates with a back flip after winning the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500 at the Pocono Raceway on August 3, 2008 in Long Pond, Pennsylvania. (Jim McIsaac, Getty Images)

Jim McIsaac, Getty Images

U.S. Olympic basketball team center Dwight Howard makes a slam dunk during a match against Lithuania in Macau, Friday, Aug. 1, 2008. (Kin Cheung, AP)

Kin Cheung, AP

Green Bay Packers safety Atari Bigby rides a small borrowed bicycle a block from Lambeau Field to Clark Hinkle Field for training camp in Green Bay, Wisconsin August 1, 2008. (Allen Fredrickson, Reuters)

Allen Fredrickson, Reuters

13. The Phillies, hoping to lure the Little League World Series out of nearby Williamsport, Pa., announce plans to lengthen the power alleys at Citizens Bank Park.

14. Nomar Garciaparra will sit out April with an injury and May through September because he can’t play anymore.

15. The Nationals will raise ticket prices, beer prices and parking prices at their new ballpark en route to finishing 36 games out in the N.L. East.

16. Roger Clemens will sign autographs during a rare appearance at Minute Maid Park, only to realize that baseball card he just signed was a subpoena.

17. The Orioles are so lousy, they sign Clemens, Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mike Piazza and become a slow-pitch softball team.

18. Curt Schilling is spotted in New York dining alone with all of his friends in the Red Sox clubhouse.

19. Prince Fielder finds out he was adopted and his real last name is Hitter.

20. Rafael Palmeiro, hoping for one last shot in the bigs, says it was all a misunderstanding, that he meant to say ‘‘I have never used Viagra, period!’’

21. The Rays finish .500 in April for the first time in franchise history, prompting the city of Tampa to throw a golf-cart parade down Main Street.

22. Tom Clancy announces plans to sell the Orioles so he can go back to writing more books with the same story line.

23. The Marlins unveil their catchy marketing slogan for ’08: "Come watch us play. It beats having your roof blown off by a hurricane."

24. The Cubs, bless their hearts, make it an even 100 years of swings and misses.

25. The Red Sox sweep the Yankees on their first trip to the Bronx.

26. The Red Sox sweep the Yankees on their second trip to the Bronx.

27. A camera close-up catches Hank Steinbrenner wearing a Red Sox Nation pin in his Stadium luxury suite.

28. Big Papi blows his nose in the dugout and an alert Fenway Park janitor grabs the prize and hawks it on eBay.

29. The Angels haul out the fireworks to celebrate the Fourth of July and their clinching of the AL West.

30. Lou Piniella quits as Cubs manager moments after throwing first, second and third base into the seats at Wrigley Field.

31. The Rockies win 20 out of 22 in April and a Denver columnist writes, "What have you done for us lately?"

32. Cubs outfielder Felix Pie suddenly discovers that hitting the curveball is a piece of cake.

33. A Chicago columnist will write a piece in September saying, "Am I reading this right? The White Sox are 10 games better than the Cubs in the standings?"

34. Johan Santana will win the NL Cy Young Award and still be overpaid.

35. The Yankees will dispense with the speculation by signing Indians free agent-to-be C.C. Sabathia during the All-Star break.

36. Manny Ramirez will lead the league in hair colors, batting stances and trade demands.

37. The Texas Rangers will win almost as many games as the New York Rangers.

38. Dick Cheney almost kills someone while throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the Nationals’ new ballpark.

39. The Giants are so bad, those McCovey Cove kayakers return to their jobs at 7-Eleven.

40. Andruw Jones will hit Fielder's weight, not his own, in his first season with the Dodgers.

41. A friend of some ballplayer's cousin’s barber's mechanic will claim the player was on the juice, and George Mitchell will stick it in his next report.

42. Dice-K will sell a few tickets in Tokyo.

43. The Upton brothers, B.J. and Justin, will move one step closer to superstardom. And, eventually, Yankee Stadium.

44. Ichiro will rack up 250 hits and 251 total bases.

45. Pete Rose will win the Reds' NCAA office pool.

46. The Pirates will be a story in Pittsburgh right up to the first pulled hammie at Steelers training camp.

47. Ryan Howard will hit his 50th home run at Citizens Bank Park, only to have it nullified by the infield fly rule.

48. The Reds shock the world by winning the National League pennant.

49. The Yankees, in a startling turnaround, win the World Series.

50. A-Rod, when asked if he's going to Disneyland, says, "Nah, I'm going to Toronto."

Jim Armstrong is a sports columnist for The Denver Post. Feel free to e-mail him at dontmissjim@aol.com.

2008-03-21 18:31:58