When last we left the Padres and Rockies at Coors Field, they were playing for the National League wild card. Monday night, they were playing for no particular reason, two teams headed down the same road that figures to lead nowhere.
Unless, of course, one of them wins the N.L. West.
Don’t laugh. It could happen. This is the West we’re talking about, but only because NFL training camps haven’t opened.
The Rockies, your basic World Series entry in 2007, went into the game 32-50 with seven straight losses. The Padres were 32-51 with eight straight defeats. In the N.L. West, this is commonly known as holding your own.
Bugs have fared better against windshields. Double cheeseburgers have stood a better chance against John Daly. But in the mild, mild West, both teams are contenders. They can’t help it. Stuff happens when an entire division hits the wall on cue.
Less than a year removed from producing both N.L. championship series teams, the West has become a waste. It’s getting slapped around more than the Dow. It’s producing fewer hits than Shaq’s rap career. In this division, the general managers ought to be choking the players.
I’ll give the West one thing. At least some of its teams are adjusting to their limitations. Case in point: The Dodgers, who got no-hit the other night, but beat the Angels 1-0.
The West has become the little divison that couldn’t. As of Monday morning, there wasn’t a single team in the division with a winning record. The Diamondbacks were 41-41 with a bullet. As in, they started out 21-9, but lost 32 of their next 52 to drop to .500.
Not that Arizona is the only team in freefall. The Dodgers just concluded an 11-16 June. Then you have the Giants, whose lineup sans Barry Bonds is so suspect it ought to be hanging on a post office wall.
San Diego had lost eight straight and 12 out of 13 going into the Monday nighter at Coors Canaveral. And you thought those camouflage uniforms of theirs were ugly. Maybe they ought to go back to their baby-vomit unis of yesteryear.
The Rockies, meanwhile, had lost 31 out of 43 on the road before returning home. So what happens? They allow 15 runs Monday night to the Padres, who had just been outscored 18-6 in a three-game sweep at the hands of the Mariners. No wonder those ‘‘Rocktober’’ T-shirts have given way to ‘‘Fluketober’’ shirts outside Coors Field.
Futility? The West has turned it into an art form in 2008. The five teams in the division were 27-54 in interleague play. Maybe next year, they ought to try International League play. Not that all the news is bad. The West does lead the league in blown saves and broken water coolers.
And give the Futile Five this: They’re not abandoning ship. They’re playing so poorly, nobody can drop out of contention. The last-place Rox were 10 games out after blowing an 8-3 lead Monday night. If they played in the American League East, they would be 18 1/2 out and booking cruises for October.
Tampa Bay Rays' Evan Longoria, center, looks on with teammates during the ninth inning baseball action in Game 1 of the American League championship series in St. Petersburg, Fla., Saturday, Oct. 11, 2008. Boston defeated Tampa Bay 2-0. (AP Photo/Mike Carlson)
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Pitcher Justin Masterson #63 of the Boston Red Sox delivers a pitch against the Tampa Bay Rays in the eighth inning of game one of the American League Championship Series during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in St. Petersburg, Florida. The Red Sox defeated the Devil Rays 2-0 to take a 1-0 series lead. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Justin Masterson
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Carlos Pena #23 of the Tampa Bay Rays flies out in the eighth inning of game one of the American League Championship Series against the Boston Red Sox during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in Tampa, Florida. The Red Sox defeated the Rays 2-0 to take a 1-0 series lead. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Carlos Pena
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Dustin Pedroia #15 of the Boston Red Sox scores a run on a double hit by Kevin Youkilis (not pictured) in game one of the American League Championship Series against the Tampa Bay Rays during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in St. Petersburg, Florida. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Dustin Pedroia
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Kevin Youkilis #20 of the Boston Red Sox hits a RBI double against the Tampa Bay Rays in the eighth inning of game one of the American League Championship Series during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in St. Petersburg, Florida. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Kevin Youkilis
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Manager Terry Francona of the Boston Red Sox pulls starting pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka #18 in the seventh inning of game one of the American League Championship Series against the Tampa Bay Rays during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in St. Petersburg, Florida. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Daisuke Matsuzaka;Terry Francona
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The Boston Red Sox players react after defeating the Tampa Bay Rays 2-0 in Game 1 of the American League championship series in St. Petersburg, Fla., Saturday, Oct. 11, 2008. (AP Photo/Mike Carlson)
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Boston Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek reacts after Tampa Bay Rays' Dioner Navarro struck out to end the game in the ninth inning baseball action in Game 1 of the American League championship series in St. Petersburg, Fla., Saturday, Oct. 11, 2008. Boston defeated Tampa Bay 2-0. (AP Photo/Mike Carlson)
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Pitcher Jonathan Papelbon #58 of the Boston Red Sox delivers a pitch in the ninth inning of game one of the American League Championship Series against the Tampa Bay Rays during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in St. Petersburg, Florida. The Red Sox defeated the Devil Rays 2-0 to take a 1-0 series lead. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Jonathan Papelbon
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 10: Pitcher Justin Masterson #63 of the Boston Red Sox delivers a pitch against the Tampa Bay Rays in the eighth inning of game one of the American League Championship Series during the 2008 MLB playoffs at Tropicana Field on October 10, 2008 in St. Petersburg, Florida. The Red Sox defeated the Devil Rays 2-0 to take a 1-0 series lead. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Justin Masterson
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The West isn’t so much baseball’s Isle of Misfit Toys as it is a wayward home for overpaid has-beens. Five Cy Young winners call the division home, but three of the five — Barry Zito, Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson — have combined for a 10-24 record.
To be fair, though, Zito plays a mean guitar and has split his last six decisions after a 0-9 start. Let me guess. His agent, Scott Boras, just called to renegotiate.
San Diego’s Jake Peavy, the reigning Cy Young winner, is 5-5, thanks in part to the ninth-inning meltdowns of Trevor Hoffman, baseball’s all-time saves leader. God bless Hoffman, one of the classiest acts in the game, but if he’s still a dominant closer, I’m a Brad Pitt body double.
The list of Performers Formerly Known As goes on and on in the West. Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, Todd Helton, Omar Vizquel, Jeff Kent and Andruw Jones all call the West home. There are so many in the division, they could play their own Former All-Star Game.
So how did the division become such a waste land? Poor decisions are the main culprit. Take the Giants. They held on to Bonds for too long, milking every dollar out of his home run sham, and surrounded him with other aging vets who had seen their better days. Now that he’s gone, they’re left with a lousy team that would be hopelessly buried in any other division.
Then, of course, you have the Dodgers. Not to pile on, but — OK, to pile on — two years and $36.4 million for Andruw Jones? What, like another team was offering him $36.3 million? Jones, currently on the disabled list, is hitting .165 with two home runs. Not only that, from the looks of him, he needs to do his rehab at Jenny Craig.
According to the rules, somebody has to win the West. So who will it be? I’m taking the D-Backs. They won Monday night, their second victory in a row and third in 10 games. In the West, they call that a hot streak.
MAIL BAG
Questions? Comments? Feel free to e-mail me at dontmissjim@aol.com. A few random excerpts from recent e-mails ...
Jim, I just read your column on the U.S. Olympic basketball team. Do you think we can beat Iceland?
— P.J.,
NYC
Depends. If Team Iceland wears their snowshoes, we’re good to go. If they show up in Nikes, we could be in trouble.
You’re really cute. I wanna get to know you.
— biker chick
Yeah, well, I’m not really cute and I don’t wanna get to know you. Go win the lottery and maybe we can talk.
Jim, Just to let you know how great you are at predictions, I think Burger King is hiring.
— Larry@schult.com
So I blew my Lakers-Celtics prediction. If only they remembered the ones I get right. Just so you know, pal, I took the Allies and gave the points in World War II.
You wrote, ‘‘The Lakers will (beat the Celtics). Why? Simple. They’re the better team. hahahahahahahahahahahahah. Nice call moron.
— Nigel Carreiro
Actually, I’m very smart. I was, after all, No. 2 in my class at taxidermy school. And besides, like I knew Lamar Odam was doing female-fertility drugs before the series.
Jim, Thanks for letting all those other media types know that Kobe is no Michael. Can we end that silly argument now?
— Tom P.,
Chicago
Kobe is no Michael? Kobe wasn’t even Kobe against the Celtics. Not that, you know, Shaq noticed or anything.
Jim Armstrong is a sports columnist for The Denver Post.
"whatiouorwat 01:43:42 PM Jul 02 2008 And you are actually paid to write this crap,thank God we still live in a free country where we arent forced to read this crap.Cloning of humans has been done, all you have to do is read a newspaper 90% of the writers are so intent on dishing out what the govornment wants us to hear, the other 9% are unpublished, and the remaining 1% are sports writers their biggest athletic claim to fame was beating the girl next door in jacks."You call it crap and act as if you are disgusted by it, and yet, you read it even though you were not forced to, and took the time to respond. Hmmm.
The NL is so bad that one of those turkeys in the West could wind up in the World Series. The Cubs are the only decent team in the league, but they always find a way to lose the big one. Look at the Cardinals of 2006. They couldn't get out of their own way all sumer, but somehow got Beltran to look at a third strike and wound up winning it all. Between this horrible NBA-style playoff system that rarely produces the best teams in the Series and the games running into the wee hours, no wonder nobody watches the WS anymore. Can you imagine a White Sox-Arizone World Series? The lumberjack contests on ESPN 2 would probably draw more viewers than that.
Let's not forget that Padres A. Gonzalez is 7th in HR and 4th in RBI in the MLB. Far above many in the NL and most in the AL. Remember the reigning NL Champion was in the same spot before the All-Star Break last year. Oh and don't forget MLB had to add an additional playoff game last year because there was three contenders in the West and the NL Wild CARD. Who was the Champ a Wild Card. This is why we like to call it the Wild Wild West.
since the west is so bad.. i bet you can find three pitchers in the west that are among the majors best.. Webb, Haren (who has had the best ERA in the month of june and who beat boston against there ace) and Tim lenncincum spelling is horrible with him.. webb 12-4(leads majors in wins) Haren 8-4 Best ERA in and Tim L 9-1..so of all the bad there is here there are hidden gems.. oh and AZ 1st base/left fielder Conor Jackson has been one baseballs hottest batters even during the dbacks slide back down.. i would laugh if either AZ or LA finds its away to the world series.. but arent you guys the ones who picked the mets and tigers to be so good.. bahahah..
And you are actually paid to write this crap,thank God we still live in a free country where we arent forced to read this crap.Cloning of humans has been done, all you have to do is read a newspaper 90% of the writers are so intent on dishing out what the govornment wants us to hear, the other 9% are unpublished, and the remaining 1% are sports writers their biggest athletic claim to fame was beating the girl next door in jacks.
